tiring day..

yawns... i don't know if its good or bad to be like that.. and i don't know what u want actually.. maybe i am thinking too much.. but jus treat u as a normal friend.. is the best thing that i can do now.. i'm trying to look into things with a broader heart when it comes to him.. i know there is a lot of gals ard him thta's why i am feeling insecure even now as a friend.. coz the feelings are still there.. but i'm trying.. hope things will stay.. its not a good feeling anyway.. but i'm glad he told me how he feel today.. if not.. we wont be friends anymore.. but there is something i wanna say.. stupid ass.. if he could say tat earlier.. didn't we save a lot of time on quarrelling.. lolx.. nvm.. its good that things are better but i'm glad he is not that kind of person.. i'm glad.. jus glad.. hahas.. but looking at the friendster pic.. im uncomfortable of coz.. but wat can i do.. haix.. shall log in to friendster less often.. yawns...

bro bought new stuff for ah boy to be back home.. o man.. i love it.. i'm gonna buy shoes for him.. hehe.. my aunt visited me today.. what a bad timing yeah.. haix.. nvm.. went to east coast for dinner today.. ate the sambal fish.. gong gong.. porridge.. but not realli full.. i'm tired.. after chatting with kelvin.. i'm going to bed le.. nites

thank u for letting me hate u... u break every single promise..

i'm building a wall.. ard me.. and leaving a small hole jus to peep and breath

i was disappointed before.. heartbroken before.. and i know i won't do this things again.. for u.. thanks to dia.. for waking me up with her fierce reprimanding.. before i commit another silly mistake.. i should have know u change when u ask me.. "so u mean his life is more impt than my present la.. " now look here... HIS LIFE IS MUCH MORE IMPT THAN UR PRESENT.. even if i were to choose another time.. i will still choose to save his life and not buy ur present.. coz a life can nv be back when its gone.. but a present is anytime anywhere as long as the thoughts are there..
even if u ask me one thousand or one million times.. i still tell u this.. if u still think that when a robber wants to rob u.. u still want ur money.. then god bless u.. but sorry.. i'm not a person like that.. i could love u when u have a fuck up attitude.. but not when u value money more than anything else.. i couldn't bring myself to even know u as a friend.. u can hurt me.. u can tell me how unimpt i am to u.. treat me with those fuck up attitude.. but it all don't hurt me as deeply when i know u turn into a materialistic person... i blk u coz i didn't want to go crazy wit u.. coz i'm still very much in love with u.. didn't want u to be happy.. if u are saying i am trying to act noble than so be it.. treat it as i am a fucking fool to think for u so much.. act pathetic and ask someone to pity me.. if i could.. i would rather tok to someone i love than block him jus 2 days before his birthday.. to prevent making him unhappy on the week of his birthday.. u think i don't respect u but let me tell u.. i no need to cry over u or watever.. jus to plead u to unblk me anymore.. coz i noe my conscience is clear.. if u still wanna think so there is nuttin i can do.. u don't bother how i feel.. its fine.. jus don't bother.. if our path is to cross again in school.. pls note that.. its school work.. we are both adults.. work and personal different right.. this is what u teach me.. now only work.. so thank u.. if things could be pleasant enuff to work with.. mine and ur life will be better.

meet up with jia and xy today for our project.. done some of the things and we went for a bit of snacks.. den walk ard.. bought a esprit top under dad's expense.. wahaha.. nice.. had a great time with the two gals.. though at first jia was a bit grouchy.. and xy abit blur.. everything was fine later on.. now i realise that the world is so different.. so ugly yet beautiful.. its true that one thinks in a better way when she face more things.. and i did it too.. people change.. fast and sudden.. in a way that people find it hard to believe.. after that, went to dad's factory and had claypot rice for dinner.. was not very nice but manage to fill my stomach.. tml dinner will be roast pork.. woohoo.. i'm so tired.. this days.. i sleep so early.. within 5 mins i lie down on bed.. i will be dozing..

i want a puppy so badly.. sadded.. dia, i love u wor.. wahaha..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO JEREMY TAN WEI BIN..

Pig.. I Wish U a Happy Birthday.. May All Ur Wishes Come True.. Stay Happy And Healthy..

nah... ur car in ur carpark.. stylo le.. hihi... don't say i forget ah.. the number plate is jeremy tan 15 ferny.. if i nv remember wrongly u say u like 15 for basketball jersy or wat.. haha.. u want other number still can appeal to me.. alright.. have a nice day..

im jus useless.. tired of pretending to be happy.. we are fine.. i guess.. but some things i not sure.. coz he still make me feel that he care abt the present more.. haix.. i'm not gonna care anymore.. i don't want to pretend to be strong or happy.. its tiring.. i'm laffing but my heart crying.. so be it.. even if he is not gonna be nice to me.. or wat.. i don't wanna care anymore. i jus do what i am happy to do..

funny to say.. i'm happy.

wake up at 10+ this morning.. then i was wondering if he had unblk me.. and he didn't.. i was disappointed.. but after thinking.. i jus felt relaxed..

if i was like what he say in his blog.. then no point even if we are friends.. what for stay as friends when he think of me that way.. i would like to ask him.. if u think i don't respect u.. when i did didn't respect u at all.. at least all this months.. i try to care abt how u feel though i fail sometimes.. when did i ever harm u.. i have told u before.. if even i would harm u.. then.. there is no one who u could trust.. and i mean it.. i have nv mean any harm to u.. NEVER. nvm.. its no longer impt.. if u wanna blk me.. there is nuttin i can say.. its not tat i don't care.. but i care enuff that i am tired.. now if we could talk.. all we talk about will be school work.. u know why i didn't call u.. coz i don't want to get hurt.. and i don't want to go thru all the hang ups of pone and shouting from u across the line.. i don't want any harsh words from u thrown at me anymore.. all i want is peace with u..

alright.. i felt tat i have done my part.. maybe tat is why i am relaxed now. most imptly, i learnt that why people are so materialistic today.. and i know someday i will be materialistic too.. in the sense that it become one of the factor that i look for in a bf.. true love are one in a million.. and people see importance in money than feelings.. this is how the outside world is and what u make me realise is that reality is always cruel.. reality is cruel only when one can't face it.. it is jus parts of life when people see things in a different perspective and humans are all selfish..

its also impt that a lady can protect herself and not depend on her husband.. i'm lucky to have a family which is kind of well off enuff to support all of us.. i can work for my dad.. i no need guys.. even one day when i have a husband.. i can leave him anytime and could still fend for myself.. i think this is the best way i could protect myself.. if u people think i am overprotecting myself.. i could jus say.. coz i have not protected myself in the past that i hurt myself too much and now.. i won't allow being hurt the 2nd time.. i waste enuff time.. in this world.. no one need anyone to survive.. including myself.. i'm a whole new me now.. i'm gonna face everyting including u.

all i felt was disappointment.. when u ask me.. why is there only one tee.. if u think the way i passing the tee is throw.. then i nuttin to say.. i say sorry..

u don't want me to love u or care for u.. ok.. i avoid u.. i draw a line..i see u chatting happily in msn.. i rather i blk u.. and keep myself from thinking of all the stuff.. i know u treat me like a friend.. but treat me as a coward.. i can't be like u.. and treat u like a fren.. now.. things has settle down.. but i still have feelings for u.. alright.. i know u walk with gals to school in the morning.. u chat so happily in msn.. i got feelings.. and all i can do it bottled it up.. i rather avoid u.. let myself feel that u don't care.. and give up.. also coz of my disappointment to the question u ask.. coz i always tell myself.. jeremy is not someone lidat but u told me u are... im sad.. and disappointed.. though i know u don't care.. like u once told me.. if u need to care for how i feel.. why want to break up.. yes u don't need now..

i won't call u if u decide tat u are going to blk me forever.. all i felt was disappointed.. its so silly.. i was disappointed tat he say why is there only one tee.. is he someone who care abt the tee so much.. only so conscious of the present.. and he was angry with me for throwing.. the tee at him.. i didn't throw actually.. jus didn't know how to give it to him coz abit paisey.. ha.. stupid right.. two person angry at different things.. and ended up like enemies.

loving is so hard..

a day fill with misery, tears, hope and food...

misery and tears.. coz i tok to my bro-in-law which then i realise lots of things... and i find my hope in life.. my own life.. smoke today coz while toking to bro in law.. my heart jus sank.. and he was smoking.. so he just give me a stick.. feel so good to find menthol light again..

this day, give me a brand new life.. i know who i am.. what i want.. and i am a stronger person..

ate coca in the afternoon after going to my ah kim house.. then they went to play mahjong which i pick up something.. new again.. and then we went to JAck's place for dinner.. sumptous meal for the day.. eat till i wanan vomit.. my weight is only 38.5kg.. i grow thinner le. damn it... i'm gonna look good again.. gonna cut my hair.. trim my nails.. i've been so busy that i didn't manage to do anything that i should do.

i'm glad i got my friends and my family.. i'm closer to them now.. i'm a fortunate person.. and i'm contented with all that i have now.. jus wish god could bless all this nice people ard me with health.. and happiness.

first audition.

wake up quite early today and my throat was feeling the pain.. went to meet darrenn, dia and marc and ah mei they all.. was getting the headache and without breakfast again.. take bus to mediacorp.. and watited so bloody long.. till i wanna slp.. sian.. i flunk my audition.. haha.. just outside the room.. i decide to sing stephanie song.. but due to my nervousness.. i flunk badly.. lol.. i admit i didn't sing well.. coz my voice and singing wasn't smooth enuff. nvm.. i'm gonna try again. i didn't prepare at all.. so sad.. was simply so busy.

after that, took the wrong bus.. and went back to amk.. ate at amk till abt 7p.m and went to orchard to get the stussy tee. walk abit.. haix.. didn't know that my buddies got so much problem. guys, im here for u..

was so tired... in the bus was thinking of something.. then, i just tell myself.. girl.. its time to stop daydreaming.. saw his blog and was somehow quite stunt but when i ask him.. he didn't want to tell me.. was kinda upset la.. coz i always hope he tell me how he his unhappiness or problems.. maybe i jus ain't the one he will share his problem with me.. nvm.. after the second attempt.. i decide that if he wants to tell me.. he will someday.. so i didn't probe on any further.. or later he fedup.. ya.. how the mind thinks decide how u do things.. yeah..

i'm not sure if i enjoy my singlehood.. but i am making full use of all my time.. using every min carefully.. and spending my life to the fullest.. doing what i like and what i need to do.. i guess tis is the way of making everything worthwhile... now i am feeling hungry.. i'm gonna have a good slp tonight..

happiness, heartfelt words and updates...

it has been a few days since i update.. i got my reason but i am not going to say it out here.. this update is going to be long.

2oth march:
celebrate my aunt birthday.. went to get the cake with jia and xy after fyp meeting with mentor.. he is a nice guy.. i mean my mentor.. bring the cake to paya lebar.. and aunt was kind touched.. for dinner we went to long beach and have dinner.. ate shark fins and blah blah blah.. delicious meal..

27th march: Jeremy's birthday
29th march: Diana's birthday
1st May: Coffeeshop open

happiness:
my doggy will be back home next week.
my sis is pregnant.. happy for her that she found someone who care for her and now she got a baby..

today:
went to dad's factory after school.. to help him up and earn a little.. bo bian.. too poor le.. ate dinner with sis they all... was kinda tired after a whole day.. help dad count coins... play with ah boy... dad's fish tank got a new collection again.. its nemo's brother... lol.. and a black fish with two dots.. they are so cute and still small small only.

heartfelt words:
i don't believe u don't love me. its just a feeling u give me.. if its a one-sided love or my own sensitivity then sorry. if u choose to want me believe u treat me no more than a sister and want me to call u a brother.. i will do it.. not coz i want to.. but for u.. i try to ignore u.. but when i see u there sitting alone sian sian.. u know how i felt.. just torn.. i don't want to tingle my feelings for u.. from deep down i bury it in.. u can easily tingle everything with jus one word or one action. so i avoid u hoping that everything will be stable till i could be ur fren.. only fren. if life could be like a fairytale.. jus a lovepotion or something will make me forget u.. i will gladly take it.. quarrels are not what i want from u.. jus understanding and care i need.. i didn't want to make u unhappy anymore.. i think i done enuff bad to u.. enuff.. if u think u can't give me happiness.. now let me tell u.. its not decided by u whether happiness can be given.. its by us.. i ignore u, tok lesser to u.. care lesser for u.. not coz i don't love u.. but coz i felt tat u didn't need me.. and i didn't want u feel pressure.. that i love u.. i want to let u noe.. i don't love u.. but i noe i fail badly.. i noe i fail to let u noe i don't love u.. if u remember the story u send me.. moral of the story is..

if someone don't love u the way u want them to.. it doesn't mean that they don't love u with all their heart.

how i love u may not be what u desire but it doesnt mean i don't love u with all my heart and i know u do love me with all ur heart in the past.. its jus tat i don't appreciate enuff..

i felt that i no longer know what u think.. what u are trying to do.. now all i can see is actions.. that bring me on roller coaster.. maybe those not so freaking scary one.. but still able to bring my mood up and down. let me know who u realli are.. could u?
if u are thinking if i had date any guys.. i didn't ever since the day we break up.. i tot of it.. but got no courage to step out to.. and no interest too.. i rather stay single.. i don't deny it felt good to be care upon, to be made a little princess by people.. but it have to be the RIGHT PEOPLE. therefore, i'm spending much more time with my family.. i'm glad i did so anyway.. now i am closer to everyone except for my mum and bro.

frankly, i'm giving up on him.. i didn't know what he want or am i too sensitive? its not that i don't love him.. but i can't love him. he has his rights to his own life.. his own world where i don't allow myself to ruin it coz i didn't bear to give him anymore sufferings after all this time. its better without me than with me.

felt so nice to pour out everything.. realli.. so nice.. i guess its better that i notice less of him and study harder.. jus let what he do tell me everything.. actions speaks louder than words.. i'm a lucky gal.. though i don't have someone who i love with me.. but i have a family that stands by me always.. and my friends.. i live a life with no worries.. but i will learnt to treasure everything and cherish it..

after may, i be busy.. with my dad's work.. with my own work... how i hope u could be here with me.. but i know.. i jus hope.. life will be boring without hopes.. well, people also hope for things when they have a crush right.. lol.. jus hope nuttin goes wrong.. i have been have giddy spells like shit these days.. couldn't even squat for 5 mins.. or i go fainting the next min.. i'm tired.. wondering where he is now.. today he speak to me but then comeback he ask me what am i talking jus now.. wth.. isn't he paying attention at all.. alright.. im going to bed.. tml is my audition.. got no specified song to sing.. so i jus go there and die.. lol.. yawns..

i wish u to be happy..
truly happy...
jus go with your feelings..
and i be happy..
no matter what.

first day of sch

i am tired.. when i wait up in the morning.. ate porridge.. and then get ready for school.. the bus driver was damn slow.. and traffic was slow.. it took me about two hrs to get to sch..

reach school go in to class and end up in a fug up team.. low morale.. finish the work only at abt 2p.m.. kinda stress.. and was tired.. den went to orchard to get my aunt's birthday cake.. i have been eating bread for the whole day.. then went home.. slp at the train like a pig.. then drag myself home..

in school today.. he's near me.. i could see him.. but i didn't want to give myself.. any thoughts about him.. i keep telling myself.. he doesn't love me.. i ache.. i smile.. i laugh.. but in me.. i'm crying.. don't care about him... i heard him saying he is hungry.. wanted to ask him if he want to eat.. but i pull myself back.. didn't want him to think i care.. haix.. i also dunno wat to say..

should i face up wat lies infront of me and treasure it then look back what i have torn.. away from my life..

Flirting is fatal.. if u want to die.. die gracefully... meaningful.. but abit voilent.. lol..

i love u.. jus starts from u.. forgetting u jus coz u wan me to forget u.. everything i do it is for u.. can i do something for myself.. my happiness lies with u.. jus u.. no one could give me but u.. i smile and i laff aloud.. i joke but who noes deep down there.. how my heart feels.. how my tears collect.. only me myself knows.. i'm not going to make him unhappy nor would i make his last year in poly wit me a bad one.. this is all i can do like i promise him. i do something for myself..

dad's coffeeshop at clementi.. damn fooking far.. dunno how am i going to get there.. starting at may le.. so i guess i can busy with all this stuff.. dad need my help coz he is rather insecure being illiterate.. haix.. as his daughter i shld help him and make the business grow.. thinking of making the coffee i am scare manz.. afraid that i will scald my hand.. since i so.. chicken hand duck leg.. should be more confident and try my best la..

jus now toking to him.. he say he dun feel like toking suddenly.. i was kinda shock and upset.. wondering what happen but i didnt ask coz i noe he wont say.. and asking will only make him fedup.. he would say if he wants to.. i think i shld be going to bed now.. wednesday gonna be a busy day.. have to save abit for this mon.. i think i'm gonna survie on bread for this week.. jia you.. bring my own water.. best..

eating day...

i've been woken up by a call from my sis.. asking me if i am going out with them.. so i jus okay and she ask me to get ready and she come and fetch us.. so firstly we went to eat a char siew noodle at my ah kim hse there.. and before there i eat a bit of nasi lemak.. always nasi lemak.. i hate it.. i hate nasi lemak coz i haven been eating it since young.. every sunday.. so i jus eat a few mouth and throw away.. well, the chicken inside.. da bao for my ah boy.. haha.. so jus throw rice nia la.. then i ate the noodle.. after the noodle.. we wanted to go and eat the tiramisu cake at telok ayer.. but ended up eating ya kun bread coz its close on sunday. then after that, sis say she wanted to go and eat the chilli noodle which at that time make me feel like puking coz i was simply so full.. so we went to K garden at serangoon area.. that place a bit ulu ulu.. but was cheap and the songs.. some updated and some not.. more of the oldies song.. so i was like a bit sian1/2.. but i sang stephanie sun song.. and everybody start to ask me to sing stephanie song for the audition.. should i? had fun.. as my bro-in-law and my bro sing qing fei de yi.. lolx.. they do stunts.. so farnie... my god.. we sang till about 8p.m and went for dinner at a kopitiam near my hse for the "tian ji" porridge.. it was my fav.. but sis add chilli and it was so spicy that my mouth is like on fire.. hahas.. i ate some steamboat too.. lol.. pengs.. gonna be a fat pig soon if i continue eating lidat.. lol.. but nvm.. so be it la.. if i am fat..

i enjoy my day today but somehow abit sian when i have to go to sch tml.. dunno la.. shall go to bed early tonight.. i'm tired also la.. after being out the whole day.. mm.. i'm looking forward to bring my ah boy home.. hehe.. and dia's birthday celebration barbeque.. hihi.. gonna have all the fun.. i want my ah boy to have a good life coz he also old le.. haix.. don't know still got how many years left.. anyway.. nite pple.. gonna meet my new and old friends tml.. Yawnz..

now that friendster is up i shall post what the guy say...

Hey I apologise in the 1st place because though we're strangers but I read thru those testimonials written by ur friends n well I m impressed by what they said abt u... Rarity to find a nice gal like what they described abt u... Hope u will finish readin this msg before deleting n if fate allow maybe one day we won't be strangers anymore... Well,anyway take care n God Bless !

then i was thinking.. who would be so free to read the testimonial one by one.. wth.. forget it.. it late and my stomach is freaking pain.. yet i feel so happy but jus feeling a bit weak.. i'm not nice and i am mean to everyone.. try me and u get what i say by i am mean.. wahaha.. its not good being too nice.. i jus wan to be myself.. ya and something interesting that KX share with me that night about love...

it says there is 3 type of loves, romantic, commitment and physical
- physical love come fast n die fast.. it's usually the attraction of physical appearance and the dire for physical n sexual desire
- commitment is lasting but boring.. it is the dire for the spiritual n mental support..
- romantic is the combo of 2.. which is the ideal type of love tat ppl r looking for..

this is from the book.. haha.. see what kind of love u guys wan ba..

talking abt diana being the nice gal i tell u guys why.. she is so understanding.. and sweet.. always so good tempered except to YY la.. lol.. dunno why.. alright.. i know u guys have been worrying abt me for sometime and also zw also take care of me alot.. thank u guys.. but don't worry i am realli fine.. though i do feel upset sometimes but i am realli getting used to everything and facing what i am facing now.. happy to see that ZW treat Dia well also la.. Dia, must treasure ZW ah.. Zw also must treasure Dia and u don't everytime say i bully u.. i jus like to make fun at ur stomach.. to encourage u to train alright.. haha.. its for ur own good =p.. i love u guys..

Its been a long long time....

haha.. long time for what.. since i am happy.. since i came back home late.

slept at 4.30a.m last night.. coz i was reading a book.. its a rather interesting book.. and the character inside was Jeremy Malory.. haha.. so qiao.. but.. he is a damn freaking attractive man, smart, fun character.. well.. smart people jus interest me alot.. especially people who are smart and fun. manage to finish the book last night coz i was dying to know the ending.. so i jus read on and on.. actually wanted to go to dad's factory this morning coz my aunt say she miss me.. and i miss my dog too.. haha.. but i was too tired to even drag myself out from the bed after only 1 hr slp.. so i jus went back to bed and wake up to meet Jia and XY for our FYP stuff.. i think we were chatting more than doing work.. hahas.. in the Bukit Merah Mac.. got a uncle keep staring at us.. feel like digging his eyes out.. so weird lor.. somemore he got the bad people look on him. ate a small pizza for lunch.. couldn't finish it.. has.. normal la.. then meet dia they all and went to Karen's the concert thingy.. Karen sang well, but the rest abit... for the alumi.. many of the singer were pro.. and saw quite a lot of hunks today.. wahaha...

this guy call simon lai.. mm... somehow he attracts me la.. haha.. maybe the way he play his guitar and i felt that his hair jus suit him manz.. he sing quite well too.. his passion for music was there definitely.. omg.. i'm drooling.. lolx.. but overall.. not bad.. character i dunno la.. enjoy the concert and i wish rp has a sc club too.. after that we took the wrong bus.. haha.. and we were singing and choosing a song for my audition.. but still didnt come to a decision.. lol.. took the wrong bus and we were still singing and marc beg me not to sing.. i'm so sad.. do i sing that badly.. *sob.. he say he wanna shit le.. lol.. omg.. i nv know my voice can make his shit wanna come out. lolx.. then dia and i were singing till suddenly, the whole bus jus went dark.. we all jus "eh".. den everyone jus rush down the bus.. afraid tat the uncle forget abt us.. lol.. lucky darren wait for me.. if not dia they all gonna throw me on the bus le.. lolx.. couldn't find ways to go back to amk.. so we jus get a cab again. lolx.. ate supper... at amk and we chat.. super farnie.. then, marc and darren take taxi and zw send dia home.. they walk me to the bustop coz its quite late le.. so sweet of them.. hihi.. waited for quite long for bus.. but still the only bus to go back is 261.. so i jus took tat bus.. if not they gonna wait with me for very long.. though abit scared coz i have to walk some distant... coz there is always drunkards drinking at that area.. but i manage to reach home in one piece la.. lol..

mm.. though now i not realli confident in the competition but i am gonna try my best ba.. i know he upload song for her again.. was kinda disappointed la.. but nvm.. i'm not gonna care.. as if he cares also la.. he jus don't so i dun have to think so much.. heard from darren abt the dreams are always opp.. so i jus so sad.. but forget it la.. since now i already felt so hopeless towards this relationship.. he is not going to lift another finger to do anything so what can i do.. jus sit there and wait till i die.. i'm not gonna do tat.. it wont work.. read eight days today and it jus say i need a break alone.. haha.. thats simply true.. i need a break to relax to think and to figure out..

this few days simply too many guys msg me in friendster which make me kinda... but today.. someone who i felt.. well.. he was rather sincere in the way he speak and sound gentleman enuff too.. but something he say makes me wana laff.. he say.. reading the testimonial, he felt that i was a nice gal.. by how they describe me as and if i could jus be frens with him or something.. all i reply him was.. if i am a nice gal.. i wont have lost my bf and regret it now.. and the last thing i say was.. have u ever seen someone writing a testimonial which says how bad someone is.. and i am not a nice gal afterall.. he must be stunt.. lol.. its true la.. testimonial are sometimes like the angelic side of someone.. there must be somethign very wrong with him.. if someone can be judge with testimonials.. pigs can climb trees..

i jus dun trust guys out there who wanan make frens like tat.. i jus dun.. only if i have a good impression of him or whatever so.. but its hard la.. pple always ask for better stuff and i ask for a better bf each time too.. haha.. but now i rather stay single.. coz it hard for me to trust any guys so easily again.. don't try to matchmake me.. or know me now.. i am blunt.. straightforward and jus heck.. even it is going to hurt.. tats ur bloody business..

when people ask u, r u okay.. always say i am okay.. coz by believing that u are strong enuff to go thru all this shit.. u be strong enuff..

today, looking at zw and dia.. i felt worst... dia was my definition for nice gal.. though sometimes she didnt realli consider much for others feelings but she was still a nice gal..compare to me.. haha... if i could be a nice gal.. i nv lost him.. maybe i will but it wil be of other factors.. tis ultra sensitive me is bad.. haha.. i will improve even if he doesnt love me anymore.. i nv let my next bf felt the same as he does.. but hopefully if i fail abit he tell me earlier so that i can make some changes to myself ba.. haha..i'm happy tonight.. despite knowing he upload song for her.. though its okay.. but i dun like her.. she is jus simply dunno how to say.. and how can u help a gal do something permanently.. its not good la.. overall i had fun.. school is starting soon le.. and i have to buck up.. i haven even read half of my final theory booklet.. hehe.. god bless me little gal..

i wanan sing with my heart... have all the fun with my frens.. and live my life to the fullest.. with or without a guy now.. haha.. i will survive without a man in my life but only my daddy.. i feel like swimming.. suntanning now.. i wanan go wild wild wet.. can u guys make it faster.. hehe.. alright.. im jus so happy that i went typing and typing on my blog.. gonna post some photos.. with my ah boy and some stunts i do on him when the weather is hot.. thats how i protect my baobei u see... lol.. enjoy

ah boy with a new age umbrella.. nice le..


look how engross i am... look at a hunk..


this is a new darlie advertisement that i am shooting.. after the milo advertisement..


my ghostly encounter today.. guess who is this?

worth it or not...

jus finish watching the show, hai tun wan zi lian.. by zhang shao han, i love the show.. i've been mermerize by Xu Ze Ya.. though wallace huo is such a hunk.. but he is too egoistic i guess.. Xu Ze Ya.. remind me of him.. he could be shy, understanding and at times.. took things at his own stride.. this kinda of guys jus makes me mad.. lol.. when he needs to be man, he is man.. when he have fun.. he behaves like a kid.. omg.. my nose is bleeding.. he is like that in the past but not anymore.. maybe not to me.. i need to move on now.. not waiting till end of april or whatever.. i want my life... a life where i decide my own things.. where i will nv shed a tear for him.. or feel sad for him.. i don't want this kinda life anymore.. i have to bloody damn wake up. i finish 3 books in jus 2 weeks.. all this books teaches me something abt life that i nv noe or notice.. i'm kinda tired.. maybe i should have done what i say last night to him long ago.. it does makes me feel better.. i think i gonna choose either yi shi de mei hao or mei you ni de mei yi tian for the audition.. gonna practise.. but i am still eating heaty stuff.. that makes my throat abit... this days.. i wanan fulfil my dreams and do what i want.. i'm gona face him when sch reopen.. no tender feelings.. jus pure frenship.. tata~

woman/gal? they are all hard to please...

guys too sentimental make me feel they are sissy and i jus cant stand them when they start to tell me all abt ;pvey dovey stuff.. they make me feel.. cold... lol.. guys too heartless jus makes me hate them... this is why i say woman are hard to pls..

the perfect man i though i have found.. seems so far away from perfect.. in my sense he is perfect.. that he cater to all that i want except for some mood swings and abit of "da nan ren" and like to bottle up his feelings abit.. i can accept.. but all the sweetness seems gone.. no longer perfect yet i love him for who he is.. the no longer perfect man..

i wonder why could people jus change bf like changing tissues like the way i am using them.. i wonder if i could.. i knew i could nv face someone i don't have feelings for.. and my feelings don't change fast.. i'm a sentimental person.. its not good i guess now..

when i walk on the street.. guys do look at me.. but so far only 3 person i guess who dare to ask for my no.. one who work in the cafe.. i was eating there with dia.. and he jus throw a note at the table which make me huh... i give him the no coz no harm ma.. and i was single.. that was youyi, he is 20+... then one who work in CK tang.. i was about to go to smoke after my break and he was lying in the couch when i was going up the stairs.. he give me this look and i jus smile lor.. lol.. smiling is the best way to go.. and he went to island cafe to get my no or something.. i forget le.. he was cute and nice.. but not my type.. too cute.. Yuxiang.. is his name.. then.. nelson, when i was working in juicebar.. his fren got my no.. and i was busy at that time.. he walk by while i was eating.. lol.. den he walk back to get my no.. but i didnt end up with anyone of them.. jus don't like this type of stuff..

my breakfast was char kway teow thich i threw away 3/4 of it.. its not nice and i have no appetite too.. he invade my mind last night and the moment i wake up.. my life seems so perfect except for not having the one i love.. everything else looks perfect.. but who noes the flaws beneath that is even more scary den anything else.. it started all on this morning again.. i hate it but i knew u were nv there for me anymore.. all i had was myself to fight everything.. myself to care for everything i had.. i didn't have the courage nor did i wanna fight it.. i'm simply exhausted...

this song 死心的理由 by FIR is my fav song at the moment.. maybe the title jus make me thought of u.. this time, u realli didnt give me any chance not to give up nor did u give me any chance to hope.. no regrets, no hard feelings.. jus happiness in me letting u go.. i knew nothing will make u change ur mind.. coz u only believe in wat u think. i couldn't tell u i could realli treat u like a buddy... i couldn't tell u i don't love u.. coz i will be lying to myself.. lying to u.. maybe u wish i had lie.. but i nv like to lie to u.. i always hope for honesty btw us.. and i have to set a good example.. if there is a day i no longer love u.. it won't be now. i'm trying very hard.. i am.. could u trust me? i know u tok to me like a friend.. and even if it is more than that.. i would nv dare to think of it.. coz i jus didnt have the confidence or am i in the state of mind to think of that... i have my reasons for asking u to leave me alone for the time being.. and u show me.. how it doesn't matter to me with a no problem.. u know me inside out.. u noe what i do.. but u don't always noe how i think.. and i noe what u like.. wat u don't like.. but not how u think.. maybe for certain things i do noe.. but things like what u like what u don't like.. i know it at my fingertips.. u noe why.. coz u show it to me.. tell me.. how u feel abt this things.. tees with whatever u dun like or the design and stuff.. but u seldom ever share with me what u think in ur heart in ur mind.. i wish u could.. and let me understand.. how u feel.. maybe u are right that i grumble to u.. and make u stress making u don't feel like sharing.. but have it come to ur mind that.. i grumble to let u noe.. maybe in a wrong way.. it takes two to understand and let each other know how each of them feel to let things work.. not keeping everything and till u wanna explode that u pour out ur unhappiness and let everything go out of our way.

i dunno why i say all this.. though all i noe now is impossible. he had enuff of me and from me. all this have been kept in me for so long.. i wish when i tok to him everytime.. he could jus quietly listen to me and solve the problem with me but it always end up me crying and him flare up to the highest point.. its all i ask for and in his mind.. the problems always occured and they seems to be such big problems that can't be solved. is it that he didn't love me enuff to go thru this with me or is it a excuse.. or is it.. jus a way of running away from all the stress he face all these months.. or is it tat he did take me for granted..

and in the end, i end up in the same class as he is.. i didn't know if it is good or bad.. but i am determined not to create havoc in class.. is heaven playing a joke on me.. or giving us another chance.. i don't think it is a chance.. like Jia say.. by the end of april, if things are still going this way.. i jus walk on.. into another part of my life.. i noe i shld face him as a fren.. if not.. it will be hard for both of us.. i have to do it no matter what it cost me.. i have shed enuff tears.. i'm pathetic enuff.. hurt myself enuff.. break my heart enuff.. that i thought i would die of grief.. but i survive it all. i escape death.. and i will face life in a whole new way.. i be alone.. to defend for myself..

死心的理由 - he no longer love me.

i'm tired.. and sick of what i am going thru.. so sick and tired.. i no longer noe who he is.. things change.. feelings change.. to fast for me.. to absorb everything.. to understand.. why.. if u are someone who is materialistic or whatever.. then i be upset.. coz i love the wrong person.. if u are not.. then i be happier.. i don't want to test.. if u are not going to believe i have changed to someone better.. there is nothing i can do.. don't take someone who care for u for granted.. people say i am pathetic.. yes they feel that i am making myself look pathetic.. am i.. i hate loving u.. u took away all my privileges of someone u love.. took away everything u give me.. but u urself wanted everything there for u..u still want the privileges that u had from me.. the privileges that i give u.. jus coz u think we will argue.. u didn't reply my sms.. this is what u think.. but i have no intention of quarrelling with u.. when u told me u are busy.. to u.. when i am lidat... i am always lidat.. u give me the death penalty.. that once i commit the crime.. i am always a criminal who always commit the same crime.. so thats it.. its hopeless.. even my friends.. i hope they will trust me to think i am getting better and thinking better.. but u.. wat a friend are u to tell me.. reply also argue.. so don't reply better.. not a chance.. even as fren.. tis is condemnation.. it is.. just treat it as nothing happen.. not everything u can treat it as nuttin happen.. it is like how u say u don't love me.. and jus tell me u treat me as a fren.. running away from how u feel for me.. jus don't think of it.. and let it fade.. is that how u treat as nuttin happen.. tell me.. u think not thinking of the matter will make the matter go away.. it won't.. maybe u wont regret.. but i will.. maybe not thinking will keep the feelings away.. the feelings will fade away as time goes.. it hurts me not that u told me u dun love me.. but how u throw the feelings away.. and let it fade.. its all it worth to u. are u being a coward.. or wat.. u think not replying is a good way to not to argue.. but u noe.. when u told me this.. here my heart.. it hurts.. maybe u dun give a damn.. but it does hurt.. hurt me to know this is how u see me as.. maybe in the past i always do it.. but people do change.. i cry.. all i do was crying all night.. i hate crying.. hate showing how weak i am.. how useless i am.. after 6 months of struggling.. i can't throw my feelings away like u did.. i can't jus tell u.. i dun love u anymore.. i cant.. i am pathetic.. i know i look pathetic.. infront of my parents.. i have to act happy.. to let them noe i am fine.. this is my life.. now.. i wish i didn't love u so much.. i hate loving u.. i hate crying.. i hate loving u.. can u make me not love u.. can u.. can u make me forget feelings like u do.. can u make me forget everything.. all i wanted to do.. was be there for u.. but it is all so hard.. i guess i am not determined enuff.. and u dun need me to do that.. i'm jus a extra caring that u dun need.. i am not gonna blog abt all this.. i gotto stop myself.. it makes me sick to know all i blog is abt him.. i need him out of my life.. and out of my mind and heart.

could i ever be mean to u?

i don't understand why sometimes things jus have to turn out this way.. a simple question of how u noe.. and u can jus say so much.. i jus don't know.. i wanted to treat u like a buddy too.. i'm trying.. u told me to not to love u.. not to care for u.. find another bf.. do u know how much all this hurts.. it hurts like no tml.. no doubt.. there is no doubt all the feelings were gone.. no doubt u don't love me anymore..

i wish i could be mean to u.. and not be so soft-hearted whenever it comes to u.. not help u in whatever u need help.. not care for u.. could i.. could i.. if u dun love me.. leave me alone.. jus leave me alone.. will u...

what i want in life.. and would make me happy...

i want a good job, a good place to live in.. my friends and family healthy and happy.. of course i am happy and healthy too.. someone who love me.. who care for me with all his heart now and forever. he would be there to encourage me, inspire me and stand by me like i do for all my life..

i didn't know i could love someone so much.. i didn't love him so much when i was firstly with him.. it was just gradually falling in love with him.. with his everything.. i love him too much.. i guess i jus sink in without leaving a way out for myself. so much that i didn't know what i am doing to myself.. i didn't want to love again.. i'm afraid to.. jus call me a coward.. it maybe sweet.. but when the hurtful words are brought out.. it is jus scary and pain.. all the sweetness become so vague in a sudden. now i know why people say.. love is not scary but loving too deeply is..

i became so hopeless of our relationship.. its me alone and him alone now.. no more us.. i could nv tell myself this guy here love me.. never.. coz he make me feel, told me that i am no longer part of his life and everything was so impossible.. im not gonna care if u don't want me to.. i'm not gonna love u.. if u didn't want me to..

i remind myself... everytime..

wake up at 1+ with a bad headache.. my stomach was feeling realli unsettled.. don't feel like stepping out of the house any further.. and the moment i on my com.. saw someone add me.. i knew it was him.. well, we are still friends.. then chat with that pig.. make me cry.. vomit blood.. stupid 50 gals thingy.. i'm scared, jus scared.. someone else would step into his life.. and happy that he talk to me nicely at least.. well, right that why shld i care who is going out with him.. then, i reminded myself he doesn't love me.. and he reminded me.. i'm jus a buddy.. he told me before, if he had a buddy.. he would nv fall in love with the buddy.. i guess.. this is what telling me. he would nv love me again.. my heart didn't break.. jus feel upset but i should understand what he have gone thru.. all this months. we both are unhappy after so much.. now that things are getting better.. i shld be contented..

mel tok to me the moment he is online... but.. i realli couldn't find anything to tok to him... we seems to be people from different world.. all he talk abt.. was he wanan do job like a nightclub waiter and social escort and stuff.. i was completed bwg.. he could feel i didn't wanna tok to him tat much.. and i jus brush it off with a i'm sick tats all.. then i wonder, why am i with him in the first place.. its okay.. its all in the past.. i'm a different person compare to one month or wat ago.. very different.. no longer the little girl that believe every single word he say.. or anyone say.. he told me he love me.. i jus say a sorry.. thats what i owe him i guess.. but i knew my feelings for him were long gone.. gone with someone else.. who doesn't love me.. life is jus so farnie.. i wanted to tell him that i don't love him.. since he didn't ask for anything but lunch with me.. i didn't go of course.. he is such a stranger to me now.. his thinkings.. and everything seems to be a world across me.. nvm.. its better to have a fren then a enemy or whatever.. someone who hates u.. he even offer to buy me lunch and bring it to my hse.. god.. i feel like shouting dun treat me so nice pls.. i'm guilty.. maybe i am.. but i jus don't wish him to treat me so well.. if i accept it.. it be telling him.. yes there is a chance.. sounds like what i am doing to jeremy too.. but nt anymore.. i noe he treat me only like a buddy.. if he tells me he loves me now.. i don't think i even believe it..

mum came back and she look at me with a queer look.. ask me.. what happen to u.. i jus mumble nothing.. i'm jus having a headache.. i wonder if i look ghastly or wat.. she gave me a medicine prescribed by her doc.. but my stomach is empty.. how to eat.. now waiting for mum to buy me food.. i need some rest seriously.. shall blog tonight or wat.. tata...

jus me

went out at abt 12+ today and tot i forget to off my com.. so came back.. was suppose to watch the 12.50 show.. but when i came back to off my com.. i check the schedule again and found out that the show was actually 11.50.. haha.. so i just watch the 1.40p.m slot.. take my time and went to PS.. bought my ticket.. the lady was farnie.. coz when i say one ticket.. she jus huh.. cant i watch alone.. haha.. on the way to PS.. two indians keep smiling at me.. sick.. tats what they make me feel.. i give them the stare.. but abit scare they beat me up.. haha.. have to show i can protect myself before they do something farnie.. i love the movie.. nv enjoy myself for so long.. this movie make me tear, make me laugh, make me feel like kicking ass.. haha.. so gan cheong that i can feel like my leg is moving.. i laff out loud.. coz no one is beside me.. haha.. the whole theatre not more then 10 people ba.. but it is so damn cold that i am shivering.. actually watching movie alone is good too.. haha.. i think i be doing it more often but of course not on those crowded weekends. i'm gonna buy the vcd for the house of fury.. hehe..

after movie, i walk all the way to pacific plaza.. to stussy then to fareast.. saw my friend's bf.. holding another gal hand.. dunno.. what actually happen la.. but i jus think.. well, valentine day celebration, flowers are nothing in a relationship... what matters is that the two person have each other in their heart, they truly care and are happy together. this is what only matters in the end.. saw alot of people today.. amanda, li ching.. haha.. and andy.. he is so damn dashing.. he cant realli recognise me.. haha coz i'm already a grown up gal.. use to hang ard when we are young.. so we talk for while.. he got my no but i nv take his.. hahas.. its been quite long since i last saw him.. think he gotta gf too.. handsome guys are forever mostly attached.. haha..

ate my dinner at one of the little shops at fareast.. my gastric is acting up again so i desperately have to fill my stomach.. the food was kinda bland.. and oily.. make me feel like vomiting.. too oily when i have an empty stomach.. so i ate a bit here and there.. went to find the shop and shop ard.. cannot find it.. was tired and my stomach seems to be having a tempo for all the pains.. pain and not pain etc.. was also tired.. so i jus went home.. it was also starting to drizzle.. doze off o the mrt.. thats how tired i am.. now i am hungry again.. and so tired.. thinking of cooking some spaghetti.. mm.. its a new dressing again. shall try it out..

our mind...

how we think realli decide how we will take things.. easily or in the bad way.. the mind realli does wonders.. maybe one day when i told u, i don't love u anymore.. its wat i am thinking.. but nt what i feel.. jus that i forgotten the feeling of loving u.. i think i kinda forgetting it now.. ha.. but i don't want to remember either.. back home.. see him offline.. my mind start to wonder.. but then i tell myself.. there isn't a need.. if he has to go.. he won't stay..

i guess i grow stronger.. personality or whatever.. life has just too many too learnt.. i'm taking on my own step.. my own pace.. thanks friends for trusting me.. and accepting me for who i am.. its seriously impt.. and believing that i am changing myself... to a better person for myself.. and my family.. dad has always no worries for me.. and he is not going to have it.. saw a ferrari today and a lamboghini that they.. they jus makes me drool.. my god.. haha.. but a convertible volkswagen and i will be contented enuff.. those sport car will be when i am realli having too much cash and don't know where to put them.

my dad's fren son drive a BMW sports.. haha.. bro say till he very yandao but when i saw him okay nia la.. haha... notice he keep looking at me.. must be wondering who is this girl.. haha.. coz i don't always show up at my dad's factory so people come see me wear nice nice at a place like that.. scarly tot i am my dad's mistress.. lolx.. another stunt is when aunt and i was shopping at PP then iw as yawning and a uncle shout at me.. saying u nv slp last night ah.. i was in shock.. stupid.. what the hell lor.. scare me.. nowadays guy so pyscho one le.. nothing better to do.. decorate my ah boy abit... and he look damn cute... well u noe the weather is hot.. so i have to protect him... wahaha... too bad my easy GPRS got a problem.. so i cant pose the picture.. i post it other time.. haha.. shall go to bed soon.. having giddy spells for the whole day.. bought something.. my first try.. shall not tell u guys what it is.. dia.. i tell u when i remember.. wahaha.. nite...

can u stop telling me i am stupid.. i am idiot to some.. stuff but its not what i want.. so can u spare me from all the putting me down further.. telling myself i am stupid.. can u.. a few things to teach me and get frustrated.. i'm slow and stupid.. that's it.. but let me tell u.. its not what i want in myself.. i have try to learnt but i need time.. so spare me all the "u r stupid" words k.. i know talking to me can be vomit blood.. i can be blur.. slow.. inflexible.. well.. if i am good at everything.. why would i need u to encourage me, teach me, let me learn, inspire me, guide me, and stuff.. i need a guy smarter den me.. if not i will not fall in love with u.. get it.. i fall in love with u not only coz of feelings.. coz u did guide me.. inspire me in certain stuff that i don't have to tell u.. i had enuff of all those discouragement words from u.. it jus lower my morale and i end up telling myself.. yes i am stupid and slow.. can't for fuck u slowly and patiently teach me when i want to learnt.. your approach for me is always the fierce and impatient way.. cant u jus change abit.. even though we are close once.. can u now.. don't think that we are close and u can jus tok to me lidat.. if i done anything wrong or i dunno.. u can teach me or guide me.. but in a nicer way pls.. i'm scared of u also u noe.. maybe to u.. u don't care if i am scare of u... realli scare till i dun even dare to ask u anything i dunno.. tat is how scare of u i am.. u maybe scare of me.. but no more will i give u those late night calls.. coz i am tired of crying to someone who don't love me.. i am.. but could u spare how i feel to have u always letting me feel how stupid i am.. instead of guiding me.. when things or words come from someone i love.. no matter what it is.. it jus hurts more... remember this.. and don't do it again in ur next relationship.. now i realli wonder what i noe abt u.. i don't seems to know the person who have been with me for 10 bloody months. why.. fuck.. i realli hate it.. i don't know who r u anymore.. totally diff person.. fuck it.. people do change fast and u change till i can't recognise u.. i guess it doesnt matter to u.. now or in future.

where is the always gentle, fun, outgoing.. patient, understanding, sweet.. guy who is with me for 10 months?

u used to teach me things i don't know.. guide me.. even when dad ask me to leave u.. u told me not to worry and jus listen to him very understandingly.. i was touched coz i noe u are a good guy.. understanding and sweet.. u used to talk very gentlely to me.. have fun.. give in to me.. understanding.. u are the perfect man.. to me.. the one i am willing to spend the rest of my life with.. why is it all different now.. if u are no longer the u.. den go away.. i no longer wanna spend my life.. doing all this..

if love fades so easily.. don't let me love again.

i need someone to encourage me, to guide me, to inspire me.. about everything.. life.. blah blah blah.. u have been the one.. i remember once.. i bought tissues from a handicapped person at orchard and when he give me the total 5 packs.. i jus took 2 and later u told me.. i shld have take all.. if not that person may feel i am pitying him.. at that moment.. i adore u.. what i think of was helping him to save the tissues for selling but nv did realli tot of his feelings.. it was u who teach me all this abt life.. i remember all this.. coz its u who thought me.. how to think better.

WHERE R U.. BURIED UNDER ALL THE OTHER FUN U HAVE OUT THERE.. FANTASIZE BY THEM.. THAT U NO LONGER WANT TO BE WHO U R.. UNDER THE FEAR OF FACING ME.. UNDER THE FEAR TAT I COULD NV UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING I DONE.. UNDER THE FEAR OF A GIRL WHO DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO THINK WELL AND NEEDED SOMEONE TO GUIDE HER IN HER LIFE..

forget it.. whats the use of saying so much.. nuttin wil change now.. this blog is jus a place to stop me from being crazy over him. nite

lalala~

went to sch today for FYP discussion.. after our discussion.. raindrops start to fall... from the sky... the class is out again and then disappear again.. i wonder if he feel okay to be in the same class as me.. i guess i jus don't think of his presence so much so we both be fine.. ya.. tat's it..

after school went to dad's factory.. was kinda tired.. bought ah boy's titbits for him.. haha.. he was delighted to see me of course with his titbits... walk ah boy at my dad's factory there and some idiots say hello to me.. my aunt sayang me and ah boy is jealous.. haha.. he keep trying to come near my aunt.. so farnie.. omg.. i love him manz..

Bs know me so well... everytime a relationship is over.. i learnt something and for the next relationship.. i will treat my bf better.. haha.. coz i don't want myself to commit the same mistake again.. i learnt to be better but not smarter ba.. lolx.. is that good or bad.. hope sch to start faster but the work seems to be piling up.. yet i'm so bored at home.. now gonna do my FYP work. my stomach not very good today.. kinda feel like poo poo.. wahaha..

now i am on a strict diet.. no too spicy stuff for me.. and drink more water... coz audition coming.. dun wan to ah hem at that time.. die.. i haven choose song.. wahaha.. my final theory book i haven even read it over for once.. now 24 hrs is not enuff for me..

abit sian.. that the class thingy they take away again.. morning wake up and check is too troublesome le.. somemore still must on this and that.. shit...

so many things happen ard the world recently.. if the world is going to end. jus remember i love u. though everything has turn into dust or turn into the air.. it all add up to form my love for u. love that stays even if the world is going to end. Just remember.. thats all i ask for..

i'm tired..

Wake Up.

many tots jus keep running thru my mind. i tot of why is he changing so fast.. and my answers were.. maybe he wanted me to change for the better.. maybe he don't love me.. maybe he wan me to change so that we can be together in future.. i'm still angry this morning.. very... upset i guess. seeing the NKF show.. many tots jus came to me. after abt 1 year with him.. i have been there for him no matter wat happen.. i guess he is the one tat could make him stand by him. i couldn't make myself to hate him coz i love him but i don't want him to be scare of me or stress him either. everything will be over.. no matter what will happen in future.. he don't love me now..

seeing the NKF show.. i saw a man who have amputate his leg.. both.. and his wife has beem taking care of him.. all this years.. and she herself had diabetes.. but she didnt go and see a doc.. coz she doesnt want her husband to worry. i guess i could tell myself true love exist.. i have wasted 6 months of my life crying, making fuss, making him dislike me, scare of me, and even impossible for us. tis 6 months have become so useless. many unfortunate people out there have difficulties in their life.. and they have money, their health, and blah blah blah things out there to worry abt.. but why am i worrying abt things so unimportant.. i dun have to worry abt anything in life.. i have money, frens and family who care and a maybe healthy me. i could do something useful with this time and care for pple i care for instead of brooding over all this stuff which are so useless..

i'm gonna wake up.. wake up from all this.. i love him but tats not impt.. he is happy without me.. and he doesn't need me.. someone out there may need me more den he do... need my help or whatever.. no matter how cruel is reality.. there is love in this world.. even if the economy is bad.. people still donate for NKF.. this shows right.. well, i am a sentimental person.. maybe it is good or maybe not.. but its better for me to be the sentimental sort den the materialistic sort. hahas..

tml going to sch... discuss FYP with Jia they all.. then maybe going orchard or going to dad's factory ba.. mostly going Dad's factory ba.. wanna play with my dog.. haha.. his present also no need so fast get.. still long.. the Zhenni, one of the singer in NKF.. she is beautiful.. so beautiful.. i'm still thinking of wat songs to sing at the audition. haix.. bro bring a samung mp3 back for me.. i love it.. its white in color, nice and small. my body is aching.. i think i kinda caught a cold.. this week i am busy... haha.. but i am happy busy now.. not gonna cut my hair.. gonna let it jus grow.. and perm it.. i'm gonna look to sweet for guys out there... lolx.. my god.. i'm getting bhb..

i'm glad that at least BS know what i am thinking.. haha.. someone think alike.. i'm gonna enjoy my life to the fullest.. no matter wat.. guys can wait.. haha... i gonna work very hard.. for my ppm, my fyp, my audition, my final theory.. i'm gonna do it.. and hopefully i move hse faster..

rights of love.

i hate u for taking away my right to love u.. for asking me to love someone else.. the surprise i plan.. u didnt even want.. u didn't even allow me to be there for u one day if i am not ard anymore.. u didn't.. u say i am selfish to be causing all this for all this months.. yes i am selfish but this is not what i wan.. not what i wan to make u scare of me.. to make u stop loving me.. to make it not possible for us. if u think i'm thinking of myself for causing all this.. den okay.. if u think i like to quarrel with u.. like to make myself cry.. den okay.. i'm that stupid.. ask me to blog.. so i can stop calling u and causing u all this trouble and also i can have somewhere to write down my unhappiness. haha..

my eyes swollen.. my head in pain... i nv going to let my tears flow ever again for this guy. i don't know if i am fill with hatred or anger now.. but jus nv think this guy who has been so sweet to me.. said all this to me.. i'm heartbroken. I am.. but i am nv going to show it to him again. fine if i am gone.. it doesn't matter to him. he will nv regret wat he is doing now.. i regret for my actions in the past.. but i was nv givin a second chance. nv like in any other relationship.. like the guy tell the gal.. she is doing something he dun like.. den let her change.. he did tell me when things are already rocky.. the time to change is real short and didn't had any chance for me.. i'm stupid to understand things slower den pple but i dun wan it okay..

nvm.. love is gone.. its all gone.

pain.

no longer sure what cause the pain in my heart..
sadness or jus pain.
i give my love up.
i step out of his life.
time and materials are just so vague in a relationship.
5 months ended his love for me..
why am i still hanging on a boat that has capsized?
for my good or urs..
its fate.
i pray for u no matter where i am,
hoping u are safe and happy.

sorry hubby for all the disappointments i have caused u.. love u.*hugs

if one day, i were to go blind.. will u be my eyes? i know its over.. u nv be.

feelings gone wit the wind.. will nv come back.

dun love me..

only once in my life till now had someone make me so touched that i tear... its him.. everything start from him and end with him... with a new me..

slept at 4a.m last night.. and wake up at 7a.m.. i'm damn tired now.. alright went to the superstar registration and steven was the first participant.. lolx.. stunt.. well, pros were everywhere.. my confidence is running low.. saw Karen, Jialing.. haha.. the queue was quite long and i didnt had my breakfast.. kinda feel like fainting le.. i tell him everything abt me.. but all i didn't say is that.. i join this competition. maybe afraid that he splash cold water at me ba. i will try my best and jus gain the experience ba.. who knows right.. haha.. some guys from music sch impress me but too bad la their looks so so only.. i'm not interested in them but they all have good voices..

after the registration, went k lunch to sing and eat.. but everyone was tired so i guess thats why we didnt sing tat well. then we went back to the superstar registration area... and some people are singing.. some jus sux and some are good.. i'm hiding from camera and photographers the whole day today.. hahas.. jus a common reaction from me la..we stand there and listen to the participants.. part 1 of gaining experience ba.. know ur rivals well.. hahas.. jasmine and her fren go off first and left darren and me.. after that, i went to J8 alone.. coz i'm hungry.. wanted to cook some spaghetti myself.. to save cost but end up spending even more.. not bad la.. save 45 bucks this week. ask mama and papa what they want to eat so buy buy buy in the end.. i left not much.. nvm la..

this few days, papa and mama was quarrelling.. coz of my stupid young bro.. haix.. dunno wat to say abt him.. at night told my parents he go his fren's hse study but guess where he go.. changi airport to study.. wtf lor.. see papa like that i also vexed.. so buy something give him eat.. cheer him up abit.. bought titbits for my dog.. haha.. i miss him manz..

was thinking thru things that happen.. this week or so ba.. he treat me much better and i am happy.. i do have some hopes that things will patch up.. but after thinking.. i shan't hope this way.. didn't want to bring him any sufferings.. and i'm afraid i be disappointed again. if he doesn't blog again.. that would only mean that he doesn't want to let me noe anything more abt him.. i will blog.. coz i jus love to pen down my tots.. so that i feel better..i don't want to quarrel with him over girls.. its so tiring.. i dunno.. in the end.. i still tell myself.. dun need to think so much.. he no longer love me.. and in his heart i am jus a fren..

now, i jus want to be happy.. no doubt i love him.. but i guess i'm not good enough for him.. he say i depend on him.. i agree that i depend on him at times.. only when things to do with going to place.. coz i noe he will be there to lead me to wherever places we are going together. i can't realli think of other things that i depend on him.. i was sad that he say i can't lead a singlehood life.. if i realli can't, i would have get a new bf by now.. after our breakup.. firstly i'm not trying to boost.. guys invite me to have parties at restaurant.. offer to drive me here and there.. blah blah blah.. but why am i still caring for someone who i didn't know care for me a not.. i could jus get one of them and i have someone who care and love me.. isn't that better... i can lead a singlehood life.. but without u.. my life jus don't seems to be complete.. it may sound stupid.. to u and i feel stupid to say tis too.. i once tell someone.. why do u need me.. need me to feed u.. or wat... i feel that he was stupid to say he need me.. but now i know how he felt. its jus a need from the heart.. a need which i didn't even know how to describe myself. i suppose this need has to be hidden.. when u say i can't lead a singlehood life.. u make me sound like i need a guy so much.. so desperate for guys.. thats how it hurts when it comes from someone u love.. pple look at me tat way.. and i told him.. i only love jeremy tan wei bin.. and i mean i realli do.. but all i hope is u don't look at me this way. he say he regret with the decision of what happen btw him and Kaining and i wonder does he still love her.. and i wonder will he regret what he say to me.. i dunno.. but he seems so firm that he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore.. alright.. i'm going to cook my spaghetti.. i'm famished.. finally let everything out.. feel much better now..

silent night~

i ask myself if u love me.. but my mind keep telling me u don't.. its that a better way to accept it or is that the way u want me to accept the way things are now.. well.. i could only tell myself.. i am no more than a friend to u.. in ur heart like what u told me.. i shan't add myself to ur sufferings and burden..

everytime i cry.. i wish i could cry on ur shoulders.. the shoulders that i always lie on.. wit u hugging me tight.. letting me know u are there for me.. this are things that won over thousands of words.. with jus one action..

i wish u could turn my tears into smiles... my anger into smiles.. jus with ur smile and joke.. u could wipe my tears away with that pair of strong hands of urs.. but in the end.. i just tell myself everything jus ain't possible.. is this hopeless or wat..

dia always say she is useless or what when something happen to us.. she can only.. hug us and let us cry.. but never did she noe.. that simple hug meant so much to me.. and just a listening ear over at the other side.. mean so much.. when one need to pour out everything.. buried in the heart.. dia, without u... i won't have learn to see things in a different way.. without u.. there maybe less laughter in our group and even maybe we don't even exist.. everyone mean something to someone.. he mean my world to me.. and when he left me.. my world just collapse on me.. if not for this grp of buddies.. i would have died under all the debris..u all build up another world for me.. a stronger and a world where it gives me hopes.. so don't ever say u are useless.. like i say.. i learnt but to him maybe its too late.. he ask me to use what i have learnt for my next bf.. well, it hurts but its true.. at least i learnt.. how important u guys and my family are.. well.. i love u all..

sorrows always emerge from somewhere when night falls.. i can't love u.. i shouldn't..

saddening day~

went to meet marc and acc him go and eat at KFC... saw Ruoling.. but i don't think she recognise me or what.. try to smile but she don't know why.. weird weird de.. then meet Dia they all go Esplanade.. Dia told me about Rachel... haix.. so sad.. she must be feeling down now.. wish i could be there for her.. i know how she feel.. took some photos.. and went to eat abit.. rush home due to my sis.. was kinda tired.. pass her the books then she go le..

haix.. life is so unpredictable and so fragile.. but girl... we are all here with u.. don't worry... u are not alone.. if u want to drown ur sorrows.. i drown all ur sorrows with u.. u step thru my shit with me.. and i step thru this with u too.. my heart pain is getting more and more frequent le..

tears just roll down my face lidat.. haix.. dunno wat to say.. good nite... may everything be over soon...

factory days~

went to my dad's factory this two days.. and when to my new house.. the chinacom people just sux.. all the defects are not done... fine... was damn tired.. maybe i didn't sleep as well as in my own bed..

this few days have been eating.. so much.. but its okay i guess.. talk to dad.. even confess to him i smoke.. he nv scold ma.. i'm glad.. i did say... at least not guilty of another thing..

quarrel with him over her again.. just sux.. shouldn't have come online.. jus out of jealousy again.. just don't understand.. go and care abt ur own bf la.. why keep poking ur nose on his things... haix.. wth am i doing.. u gonna give him up and u still let ur jealousy get the better of u.. haix.. i'm doing something for him and when other gal offer to find him another better and nicer watch.. he just agree.. then what for i make the effort to keep a look out and ask ard for him.. so upset.. haix.. one is flirting and another one is flirting back.. haix.. whatever la.. he happy can le.. i just do what i can.. and the rest see le just shut up.. haix... his one smlj.. i damn sad.. no one has tok to me lidat before.. somemore is him.. haix.. well.. i noe i mean nuttin but i have my feelings... its so damn rough to tok to gals like that.. maybe he don't think so bah.. but i simply very angry and sad to hear that from him... nvm.. shan't think about it.. say also say le.. haix..

should have go factory everyday then won't see all this le.. expected de.. everytime come back see all this.. haix.. now in factory.. i eat... sleep.. walk my dog.. chat wit my dad, aunt and my dog.. listen to what happen in the outside world.. i learnt from there and relax myself.. play in the rain with my dog.. but there a lot of tico peks.. ahhas. shall go there more often.. i need to save for this month.. seriously need to.. maybe i shan't bother abt him so much..

happy to hear that i can watch ge dou tian wang very soon.. wahahha.. but scarly he change his mind.. i sure cry.. hopefully he won't.. shall go to bed soon.. blog again.. when i feel like it.. hahaz.. friends i am feeling much better.. don't worry.. serious... though i haven fully give up.. well, it takes time.. but i guess... sooner or later.. i will treat him purely as a friend.. now, only sometimes i feel upset when i see the girlies thing.. or when he say something.. other then that.. i am leading my life quite well without him.. coz maybe now i only believe he don't love me and not let my thoughts run wild.. this helps i guess.. good nite my dearies.. muackz..

now i finally understand what dia means by its the way u think.. hahaz..

picts to share...

my dad's new collection


puffer fish brother.. hahas...


poisonous stingray..
src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v317/jamie86/blog/Picture16.jpg">



the mouth look like a pig nose

my ah boy... cool le..

afternoon nap.. i'm petting his ass...


my house defect on the planter... shitty

Cold day____wishes & dreams only...

my wishes
1. i wish i could have realise all this earlier
2. i wish i could have him with me right now
3. i wish i could celebrate my birthday with him as my bf
4. i wish i could stay by his side forever
5. i wish he could love me again.

well, they are just wishes and wishes always don't come true.. for 2 years of my birthday.. my birthday wish are that everybody will be happy and we can stay together forever happily ever after but wishes don't come true..

i'm always afraid that at that point of time when i realli leave him alone.. and change to a better person.. someone else will step into his life.. therefore, all i know is to clung tight to him.. nevertheless, everything came out differently.. i lose him.. he no longer loves me coz of everything i do.. i truly lose him with my own hands.. now that i realli understand things.. i have already lose him. it could be the biggest regret that i have.. and all i could do now.. is to dream and wish for everything.. i want.. just dream and wish.. only in my dreams, i could lie on his shoulders.. see him wear that ring that once belong to us.. hear him tok to me in that gentle way that he used to.. only could i wish for everything to be fine but not letting him know what i wish for.. or ask from him again.. making us quarrel.. everytime i bring up something abt us.. that is the last bit of fate that god plan for us.. is it? in his heart, i'm just a friend.. someone may have already taken the place that i used to be..

could one day, i no longer have this dreams and wish.. would i be happier.. till now.. i realli don't know how will i react if i see another gal in his arms.. i know my heart will be broken.. but there is nothing that i can do..

asking for a chance again will only hurt myself.. i have no confidence.. from u or in me.

*sigh

having too much free time always make me think too much.. he looks happier now.. getting plumb and his smile so relax.. guess without me in his life.. he is happy.. or to say... he realli doesn't need me at all.. i shan't stay at home too much.. i am in a dilemma.. wanted to avoid him.. so that my heart don't sway.. i know he won't come and tok to me himself not like in the past.. but haix.. i do miss him.. after so long..

if someone could be replace so easily... then what is love for?

i don't want to stay at home..

FUCK... i lost all my photos that i have taken with him in the past.. haix.. shall not talk about it.. don't want to take from him le.. maybe he delete le.. like that time he say he will delete away de.. haix.. everything lost.. don't want him to think so much also la.. later i take from him.. he think that i am clinging on him like what.. i should be contented he treat me like a friend.. shall not mention about it. shall see if marc has it.. if not.. then its my problem le.

its been so long since i last see him tag my board.. haix.. i also don't know why...
Ni Xiang Wo Ma... Bu Xiang.. i expected it.. u miss your chou chou more.. but still feeling upset.. find something for me to do tml.. if not i go mad... shall go too bed early... sleep early and everything will be fine..

one day, i grow old and ugly.. will u still love me?

tired of my life...

one thing to conclude.. my life is too interesting .. with too many ups and downs.. so tiring...

in the younger days.. always wanted a interesting life.. but now i just say... let me off.. jus give me a peaceful and happy life.. my life is interesting enough..

it realli kills my brain cells and demoralise me a lot to care for someone who u don't even know if he cares or gives a damn about u.. but mostly not.. its even more demoralizing.. it is okay... so tiring and exhausting..

its okay if that someone love u of course.. and appreciate what u are doing.. if not.. its just so tiring and exhausting.. mum is still not back and yet i am so tired.. haix...

rainy sunday...

i feel like vomiting now.. my stomach feel so queasy and i am so angry with someone.. nvm.. i wonder is it that somethings just don't get into his head or he just don't give a damn about it.. or sometimes he just can't think properly with his brain.. i just feel so unappreciated sometimes.. waited for 2 hrs for his reply... and then 1 hr for his 2nd reply.. i just feel so angry...

what i can do now is stand by u like a friend... but why u always don't listen to me.. have i ever harm u... have i ever do that u tell me... but forever u choose not to listen or just brush it off with something tat u are so sure of... now i am feeling tired and drained even standing by u as a friend... i realli am... but i realli hope i could do that.. stand by u.. even as a friend.. but when u don't listen or appreciate.. i just feel so tired and useless... what i do is always for u.. can't u see it.. maybe some in a wrong way..

well, i dunno why i say all this.. but just want to make things clear to myself.. he isn't urs.. so if u want to do it.. don't expect anything in return.. even appreciation or whatever...

i feel so sick.. caught a cold don't know when.. now feeling dizzy..

went to ikea with my parents today yet buy nothing.. no bed yet.. i realli feel like puking so much.. waiting for mum to get m soup home then take my medicine and go to bed.. realli can't take it anymore.. my whole body aching.. in pain.. haix.. disappointing day.. everytime u care.. i always do what u say at last without ur knowledge... so i did listen to u.. now i am taking care of myself.. without u..

i shouldn't think so much since he have already say he won't love me now or in future... haix...

i'm scared... vexed... confused...

stop... playing this joke on me..

i miss u..

i make myself void of all feelings...

should go to bed soon...

dizzy spells..

have been having dizzy spells for the whole day today... wake up at 2p.m.. went to town with Jprincess.. actually wanna watch eye 10 but the queue is freaking long so we call it off.. then shop ard PS and den went to HMV to check out something and then to paragon... walk with a blur vision today..

bought something.. gonna do some stunts with it... kinda realise i nv eat a full meal today.. gosh... the vintage shop clothes just sux.. alright no offence but it look more for what those malays like to wear... it is more exotic den cool to me.. i nv spend my money buying that type of clothes.. and the material just sux too.. the tees look hairy.. and the shirts look like what ah peks wear.. well, the shop is going to fold up soon... just that the shop design attract me a little.. the rest forget about it manz... Jprincess saw her friend.. quite a hunk.. lolx.. not bad not bad.. waahah... then accompany her to buy lipstick... she got a stila one.. today i realise how pathetic is my bank.. gonna start saving up now...

we just sit down and had our dinner... then chat awhile and off we go home... i'm tired... just tired for no reasons... enjoy the day... miss some old days so much.. but i am tired now.. haha.. tomorrow still have to go out.. so lazy manz...

mm.. i shan't bother about him too much... though quite happy that things are getting on well.. ya i shouldn't... there is no point bothering urself so much with someone who don't love u right... yes..
every gal want someone to drive them... i mean wait for someone to be willing to drive them... i think now.. my mindset is.. its better to drive urself den wait for someone to drive u... i am not going to wait anymore.. its tiring to wait for rain in a drought... like finding water in a desert..

wonder if everyone is so realistic... well, jprincess say if she is to go blind after doing the laser thingy... like what the papers say.. her bf won't take care of her all his life.. mm... i found one i would like to do that if anything is to happen to him.. i swear i would though its not a day or two.. maybe for years.. but i would... but too bad.. reality is cruel... he doesn't want me... doesn't matter... i just want myself now.. and everything to go well.. as in really well.. no hopes.. no anything. just me... happy and fine.. and of coz he is fine also la.. haha.. i am not so bad... but its his life... so better don't care so much...

now then i realise it feels so good to not to care so much.. relax is the only word i know that can be use to describe and of course happier.. i mean there is realli a lot of things in life that i can't control so why bother so much.. he also can take care of himself for about 6 months le.. so thats it..

my MP3 spoil le... fuck manz.. haix.. can't on at all... wtf.. haix.. no songs.. cannot practise.. so shitty.. unlucky manz.. i'm so bloody sad...

have to start my PPM soon.. i have too.. no time le.. gonna do my best.. and use my best presentation and score the best... what i want to do.. i have to give the best shot.. including my final theory.. though even if i pass also no prize la.. but gonna give it a one try pass...

going to bed soon le ba... my eyes is tire after seeing all those hunks today.. not bad la.. wahah.. but.. all of them lack of something that attracts me... nvm.. don't know why... but nvm la.. see see can le.. i don't need them...

tired.quite happy

went out with my buddies today... to kbox... well, dia and me meet at amk first then went to orchard to get my aunt shoes and rush back to amk... bo bian... for the sake of ah mei... and my aunt.. see her so disappointed when she can't get the shoe so jus make the trip and get it for her though a bit ma fan... in the end... she reward me with 20 bucks.. haha.. which is spend on my twins album... wahhaha.. inside, there is little pictures of them a huge poster. so happy... i finally got it.. after kbox session... we told a big lie today... just keep quiet... if not this will be a real long entry... dia and zw went out together.. and dia's parents bring us to chomp chomp and eat... so paiseh... haha.. but enjoy the dinner coz we share a lot of secrets.. wahaha... opps... was so full..

waiting for jprincess to be online.. see she wanan go out one anot tomolo.. if not i go daddy's factory... don't wanna stay at home.. if not i think too much.. go play with ah boy... i'm yawning away now.. so damn tired..

todays' april fool day.. the first one who play a joke on me is a hawker seller... indian old man... haha... shit manz... i thought he sot one.. lolx... surprise me.. my right hand so painful after that day at wild wild wet... =(

time flies.. well.. i am a changed person now.. i don't know if this is a good change or bad.. maybe a stronger and more independent person... and less emotional or kinda cold-blooded.. life is just not as beautiful as it is said to be..

i know he will stop reading my blog.. and i thought of deleting my blog... but i wonder if i realli love to blog... haha.. since he is just a friend.. whether he read or not.. i shouldn't care anymore... i shld locked everything away.. so tired of posting also...

just check the academic calender.. no long holidays.. tat means i am going to keep my spects on for sometime... my stomach isn't feeling very good today... haix.. happy april fool day...