am me so useless?

i can't even do the least simplest things for him... took leave for him... talk to the fac trying my best not to let him downgrade him.. and i think that ass somehow soften and he did try his best la.. rj, evaluation and quiz.. i done rj and evaluation but fuck.. the quiz is closed.. but koh kok whye told me everything will be till 12a.m... wth.. why.. arghz.. then, all i know is make him angry.. no wonder he always say i only add on to his trouble.. i'm that useless.. haix...

something realli meaningful i learnt yst.. in a relationship, not everytime one can be the perfect gf they want to be.. but it also depends on the other half character to decide what u should do.

i'm here.. my heart aches man..

didn't sleep a wink last night.. and now i am on the verge of collapsing... too tired le.. manage to do FYP after school today.. get my sis spects to Andy's place for the new lens.. and went home.. i'm worried, pissed, feeling fug up.. realli fug up.. but what to do.. just shut up and got to slp.. arghz.. fug.. manz.. my headache is coming.. arghz.. hope everything will be fine.. all i do is hope and hope.. but fug.. who gives me hope.. freaking no one.. i done my best.. but who cares. *gones

tis nite.. many things have been running in my mind.. i guess for all this months everything has been my own wishful thinking, my fantasy.. my own dream.. but he is indeed the one who i love most.. though even in my dream i dreamt of walking down the aisle with him.. in the church where he wore his mega-watt smile.. that's a dream.. i understand how he felt.. the pressure given by someone he loved, the understanding he needed was nv given.. didnt know that e felt pressure even going out with me.. i wonder the day he went out with me for the movies, he must be feeling like shit.. i still thought everything was quite alright.. coz i was feeling okay and he show no signs of unhappiness or uneasiness too.. i guess tis time he won't dare to go out with me again.. back to square one.. its true that couples are very hard to be back to normal frens coz they just noe each other too well. everytime i thought of giving up, my determination got stronger and stronger.. i guess tis is a good sign.. maybe i am tired. a sign that i am slowly letting go.. maybe coz i am now having something i realli like to focus on which is my driving.. i like it more than my studies now.. haha.. weird ah.. kinda worried i be a racer like him.. too much influence.. though now i don't know how i react if i see him with someone else.. but i guess i am more prepared.. no doubt i be upset.. but i guess it is much more better... than nuttin.. at least i won't make a scene infront of him and that girl.. that's what i least hope for.. i was thinking should i trust what he say.. and i don't have an answer.. coz sometimes when he say something.. he say it first den think.. when his temper is not right... but i think i choose to trust him.. it brings me good more than bad.. actually i still think that if we make a point to communicate properly.. things would be fine.. like today.. its been a long time since i felt so calm.. its cool now.. and i am all alone here.. thinking... what i make my life into.. good and bad.. though i am late but i'm glad i learnt and not repeat the same mistakes. i changed a lot in the past year and glad to say.. to a better person.. but still i'm bad.. guess i'm real bad in the past.. luckily i got my friends.. who realli could accept me for who i am.. if not.. i be a lonely ass.. when things are simple, i think too much.. when things are not that simple.. i jus thought of it so simply. over this years, i thought i realli love when i am with Kelvin but i guess.. thats all just like.. love is nothing like them.. Melvin gt a gf now.. i'm happy for him.. i love one.. he is like the perfect man that i ever wanted.. able to guide me, could dressed well enough most of the time.. someone with a goal in his life.. smart and hardworking enough.. understanding and sweet at times.. but i didn't treausre things enough that he told me even in future it won't be possible coz he won't give me the chance.. i'm even worse than Junie i guess.. condemn in his gf list.. something happen to me today that i realli felt my change.. in thinking.. when he told me the one he went out with is Kaining.. and the one he walked to school every morning is also Kaining.. i'm definitely surprised that she is studying in RP.. and the first thought i had was, wonder if she come to RP coz of him.. but he told me she got a gf.. thinking back i was a bit jealous though i didn't have the right to do so but i am a bit.. and also a bit unhappy that why has he been like hiding from me.. especially when i ask him who is that girl he told me tell me i also duno.. but nvm la.. happen also happen le.. at least now i don't make a big fuss about it.. haha.. i'm such a devil.. in the past.. omg.. am i gonna blog till 6 and just bath and go to school.. frankly, i don't know.. its already 3.44a.m now..
after listening to him today, i wonder what makes a person that independent.. maybe the way he grow up ba.. but his independence stress him up easily.. but i guess his character is the hardest things to change in him..

now my definition of love is:
- no matter how the person is like.. u love him for who he is.. i always wonder why when some woman noe tat their husband are gamblers yet they agree to married them. coz they hope one day this man would changed..
- anything he do means the world to u.. jus a tiny difference affect u more than anything that could happen.
- u want the best things to be given to him.
- even if one day, u are to lose him, u stil hope the best for him
- u think of him any min or sec when u miss him
- u do anything just to see him smile
- want to be with him for every sec of ur life..

i'm tired le.. slpy.. but my mind is so busy.. i think this is the longest posting that i ever had.. sometimes, people grumble at hw their bfs or gfs could be that bad or whatever.. but did they thought of what really attracts them to this particular person and finally fall in love with them.. did i get a fullstop today or not? I guess I did.. get a fullstop from him. i hope we be able to stay as good friends though.. hahs.. or maybe normal friends.. not hi bye of course.. it makes me so sad to see someone so close to me suddenly jus like hi bye.. i used to be someone stronger but why am i behaving like a weakling now as if the world is going to end.. tat's the power of love.. but i don't want to be a weakling.. suddenly remember what he say tis noon, telling me to listen to who is toking abt the girl he is wooing then i know who he is fancying now.. and my heart suddenly ache though not much but it still ache.. i guess he realli doesn have someone he fancy now. no longer Jamie. Jamie is under condemn gf... omg.. haix..

its 4.18 a.m now. i miss all the times but it now history.. should i create our future? or my future... my future will be better.. i was trying out telling myself.. i don't love him.. and it did make me feel less for him.. i wonder is this what he always do.. that's why he give up so easily.

o man... people.. i'm telling u all this.. i have been dreaming from day one.. from thinking that the little things he do is care and thinking he has been here for me for the past 6 months but what.. its not.. its all me, me and only me thinking all this fuging shit.. own fanciful tots.. hey.. i have thought that our love was deep like the ocean but its nothing more like a stuck drain that will soon dry up when the sun is shining brightly.. i have thought that if we have gone thru so much.. things like all this stupid stuff could be solved jus with some forgivings and giving in.. its nothing like this and nv like this.. never.. jus me this silly girl.. thinking that if i could give my life to be with u.. when u told me our eight character clashes.. and u would harm me.. i didn't care as long as u are with me.. but now i wonder would u do the same if it is to be the other way round. all i thought at that time was, as long as this person treat me well and i love him.. no matter what happen.. everything will be alright as long as we walk thru it together.. but seems like me thinking that all tis while.. he have been waiting for me to change is also my own wishful thinking. he has given up long ago and gettin on his life real well.. telling me he is happier without me, he found someone that he finds her character real good.. ha.. should i jus bury myself with my own wishful thinking.

after talking so much.. everything is kinda impossible.. or shld i say simply impossible except that what i thought of.. but its more like a miracle coz i doubt he even let himself fall in love with me after all this happen.. he won't want himself to go thru all this hell again. find me after his army, love me for who i am.. if he love me that much.. i doubt i will hear all tis.. reasons reasons.. i always wanted a reason for everything done.. maybe i shouldn't find this reason anymore.. tonight has been a great night.. i pour my heart out.

today. i told u why i always ask u wats bothering u and u keep saying.. now i am not ur gf.. ya i noe.. i'm not and i nv will. But what i am saying is not whether i am ur gf.. its that when u used to ask me what i am thinking when u see my unhappy face but when i didnt want to say.. u get angry and in the end i will tell u.. why will u get angry coz u care.. and wanted to know what it bothering the one u love. im the same.. u understand.. same as u.. wondering what's bothering u.. yes u are very independent.. but that the point in a relationship.. u share with ur other half. i don't know if i shld be saying this.. i guess its either the one who love u have to give in to u by realli leaving u alone when u are unhappy with certain things and making urself pissed coz of that or one day u realli share with that person. maybe i wasn't the one who is meant to share it with u. haix.. nvm.. i have been thinking and typing here for 2 hrs.. my stomach feeling queasy now. shall go and take a rest and go to school in 1 hr time. night people.

a fullstop..

in my life..
mum has been treating me better...
i'm glad..
can't sleep now..
i used to have only one regret in my life.. now i got 2..
but take it as a lesson.
well, i still improving my character.. coz no one wants to make a mistake twice..
and it cost me something realli precious to me.
a person i will remember all my life... and keep him deep down in my heart..
i have been thinking.. heaven is playing a joke on me.
coz in the end.. i ended up in the same class as him.. as friends like what we start at first.
sitting alone in the dark room.. i felt calm..
i'm not gonna die here.. in fact.. i'm going to concentrate on stuff that i should concentrate on.
marc say.. two different characters depend on communication to be glued together.. is it true..
my old cut wrist hurts nowadays... something black on it.. that hurts whenever its touched. haixx..
hope everything goes well for him..
i don't understand my feeling sometimes..
and i don't know what i am thinking now..
had i realli face everything..
maybe after seeing him.. tml.. i know what my heart is feeling..
that should be my answer.

how do i feel now.. i don't even know it.. no heartache feeling.. just a feeling of weakness.. but one thing for sure.. i'm looking forward to my next driving lesson.

maybe i'm just tired.. as tired as he is.. but i still wish i be the one to be able to care for him till my hair grow white.. i don't know.. maybe just let nature take it course.. or what.. i didn't had a single meal today... wondering what's wrong... tml got Java UT but i haven touch a single thing..

actually, i don't even know what i am thinking now.. don't even know if i could face things now.. or whether i have already accept every harsh facts that he have thrown to me.. all i know is my mind is blank and isn't ready for anything.. feeling the pain all over my body..

i have nv realise all that till now..

now then did i realise what i have been doing is not a form of love... its something which anyone else in the world is able to do.. sharing what i love.. no matter it is food or what... treating him well.. i have been adding to his pressure when i do all this.. so why do i even have the guts to say.. i do this coz i love u.. no its not.. its just what i think.. well, but i just want to give him all the best things that i had.. want to share with him my happiness thats all.. now, u didn't dare to talk to him much.. afraid that i be bugging him.. and well, i'm learning to be contented.. i knew time left is not much.. and i know i won't be able to see him again sooner or later.. and he might have another gf very soon.. so where do i stand to treat him well. have been thinking a lot this days.. and also come to a conclusion for some things in my life.. i given enuff trouble, unhappiness.. and pressure to him.. and my existance doesn't seems to bring him much happiness except for some stupid and farnie mistakes that make him laugh.. my form of love for him had always been physically.. but not from the heart and taking care of his feelings.. mm.. i failed badly in that way.. but now... i want the person i love to be happy.. and me just to be contented with what i have... shall not think so much le. though i am still feeling down... but soon i get used to everything.

26 May
went to the food fair with my sis at Expo after school and ate a lot.. was kinda upset.. for some reasons.. and didn't realli have the mood to walk the food fair then. Some young chefs offered to give me free food.. and they look so tico.. my god.. but they look great in that tall cap... what big chefs wore during their work.. but i don't want a chef for my husband.. haha...

27 May
the day was super slack.. everyone was kind of slacking and chatting when we should be doing work.. i've been losing my appetite for quite awhile.. one meal a day.. doc say i should not be unhappy so my appetite will be better.. wth.. after school play cs, and went home after that..

28 may..
wake up early and follow dad to the factory so i can save some for transportation.. then, went to my first driving lesson.. and that instructor left me all alone to drive.. jus forward and reverse la.. but still ok la.. nothing much.. and after my lesson was another guy older than me a bit ba.. and he is quite good looking.. but dunno wat the hell he smiling at me for like a goondo when its the first time i see him.. i smile back of course.. courtesy.. but heard from the instructor his character sux.. that's why can't passed. I have been gossiping with my instructor all the way.. lol.. pro le..

2005 sux... but i make it better for myself

firstly, its not about girls that u are talking about that make my face black but the way u all are talking over the gals is like u are going to hope on them.. when u see them.. like those sec school boys.. nvm... ok..

getting into another relationship or accepting other guys pursue won't help me to get over this relationship or not love u.. if i will.. i will.. i don't need BGR love to live.. therefore, i'm gonna get over this even without another relationship or accepting other guys...

got my fever back.. but still feeling alright.. went to school today and meet our mentor.. glad that the project is progressing well. then, went to meet dia they all for sakae.. enjoy the sakae session but didn't get to eat my softshell crab *sadded. saw a lot of people.. at HMV... even saw Naomi.. well, she prettier now.. and married.. haha.. saw her husband.. very different from all the guys she dated. Maybe its true that dream guys are always different from your husband.. and i told myself.. maybe Jeremy just isn't the one.. haix.. suan le..

i felt like i am being deprive the rights to love.. or to silently love one.. i'm deprive of all this.. isn't it farnie.. i didn't know that one can be deprive of such common rights.. i need time to forget someone i love so much.. it has been long.. but i still need time.. u deprive me of my rights to love, its fine.. but why you seems to be asking me... u can't love me now.. u got to stop loving me now.. wth is this.. if one could spare me the unhappiness u give me with ur hurtful words.. i gladly do it.. coz i don't like to be unhappy too.. but again.. have u tot of it.. u thought i like to love one who ask me questions like.. i don't understand why after so long.. u can't give me up.. why? or tell me.. my heart has another girl... so what can u do? haha.. hey let me tell u.. i don't bloody know why i can't give up on someone who can hurt me like no one business.. in fact, i should hate u.. but i didn't.. or maybe u wish i did.. or do u think i wan to love someone who doesn't even feel a single bit for me in his heart.. u think that's wat i wan.. its a FUCKING NO.. but since u say.. u have another gal in ur heart.. i go.

i'm getting out of his life.. and moving on in my life.. but the biggest joke on earth happen to me last night.. i'm deprive from loving someone..

below are some pics... enjoy...

my aunt very stylo right... haha...


xiuyan salmon sushi with wasabi


me & Dia

end

everything dead...

my life consists of crying, sadness, and sorrows... so there is nothing to update about anymore..

i'm closer to my dog than my mum..

my eyes is tired and painful...

tomolo will be better.

i need to let out...

i hate my life.. i hate everything..

i've been crying.. i'm upset... it only makes me feel let out a bit..

but useless in the end..

i can't stand this life anymore...

i'm breaking down...

feelings...

what is that feeling.. that i had.. i don't know what feeling is that..

i no longer know what is love or friendship from him.

i hate everything.. why can't human beings be nicer.. even u.. i hate it...

i have only me...

thoughts of giving up keep coming to my mind... am i tired... or what.. i don't know.. i know i needed someone now but i am not gonna let my weakness get the better of me and just go to anyone who is nice to me.. i know Mel love me but i can't return his love anymore.. i'm no longer the me.. and my heart no longer feels the same for him.. i'm giving up maybe coz i didn't know what he want at all.. maybe he want nothing but everything to stay the same as now.. but this is not what i want.. maybe this is the best but it is stil not what i want.. coz i need him coz i love him. i don't know what i am waiting for.. but it all seems to be a aimless wait.. a hopeless wait.. when i felt everything is nice.. and we could be together happily.. and i could understand what he felt.. but in the end when i ask.. do u want to be with me.. or do u love me.. i ended up breaking my heart and falling again.. falling to the bottomless pit.. i didn't want to do all this again.. i hate repeating my mistake.. over and over again.. is hard to love someone.. realli... all i wish is that we could step thru all ups and downs together.. but maybe fate has decide i am not the one who u will be ready to go thru all this with.

now at home.. i feel all like an outsider.. my mum doesn't even want to sit beside me.. how i know? last night when bro is back.. she was sitting right a the place i was using my lappy.. then, i went over to sit there and she just stand and walk off.. everyone have to respect mum so i understand that.. this few days i was thinking.. if i could ask dad to let me move out.. i know it isn't easy to live alone but it doesn't make much diff now to me.. i don't care what kind of condo they are going to live in.. but i wan to feel at home when i am home.. and feel close to my family.. Sis told me that i didn't need to care about my mum.. jus make sure that we don't step on each other tails.. is this how a family should behave.. now, i feel like i don't have a mother...

i know my friends care.. but if i live till 80 years.. one year there is 365 days.. and i get upset for just 250 days.. am i gonna run to them.. and cry.. they have their own business to take care of too. so i have only myself for everything.

i'm ill for about 5 days le ba.. and my fever is still flowing up and down.. the doc only give me 12 tablets for fever and its finished.. coz when i go to the doc i am only having a slight fever.. and guess she thought my fever will go down very soon.. but who knows.. it goes up instead.. i remember quite a few years back... i'm also ill.. and the fever also goes up and down.. and i am ill for abt 1 week plus.. and i seen so many doc.. from amk to eunoes.. then i get well.. pls don't start that again.. hope i be able to go to sch tml..

i keep thinking of my birthday this year.. but i guess it won't be a happy one.. and i don't want any birthday celebrations. I had enough of everything.. i just want to be happy.. that's all i ask for..

am i happy now?

i wish i could be given the chance to be with u again.. but i know its so impossible.. no matter what.. i just don't wish Jia to repeat my mistake.. so Jia.. u have to consider carefully before u do anything..

brought sis and aunt to andrew's place for a haircut and sis say he not bad.. glad to hear that.. aunt got a stylo mylo haircut.. and i was kinda half dead sitting there.. didn't bother to move at all... or care abt my image.. i look sloppy.. didnt even make up.. then.. went to orchard and actually is shopping but dun't know why the purpose of going orchard suddenly change to getting my jeans. We went to the Uncle's eatery for lunch and the uncle recognise me.. tat place was full of memories.. but what can i say.. shall not say anything.. went to get my jeans.. got one pair only for 40 bucks under aunt's expense and a gorgeous top.. which is all transparent behind.. actually sis wanted it la.. so she ask me to buy now then after she give birth.. she be able to wear it.. pengs right.. also under aunt's expense.. and the top is also transparent just below the breast area to the stomach.. but its damn sweet looking.. and sexy i guess.. i like it very much.. but dunno if i dare to wear it ma.. lol..

didn't have much appetite.. accept eating the porridge for dinner.. brother is back and cynthia bought.. a top and a bag for me.. both mickey mouse one.. lol.. the bag was not bad la.. top also ok la.. but one kind of chewing gum realli nice but bro only bought one tiny packet.. wth.. i want to go HK too...

im not happy now.. in fact.. i'm lonely.. but if without me in your life makes u happier.. i have no regrets..

weak and tired me...

i love u~
and u are the only one who can change my tears to smiles..
smiles from the heart..
could u just let go of yourself..
i truly miss u so much...
haix~

Dramatic~

last night.. went out after a shouting session with my mum.. i think i got a bit of too much... i say something like..

can u diam diam anot.. didn't u tell brother that u don't want to see me.. what kind of mother are u.. if u think that i throw ur face then tell pple that i am not ur daughter la..

i know i was kinda too impulsive but actually i wanted to keep quiet.. than she keep on say say say and i gt pissed.. and i shouted at her with what i keep inside myself for 19 years.. its a long story.. just fuging don't understand so much.. but aftre what i hear from my sis.. i feel even more injustice for her... kanna slap for not going to dentist.. fug up right.. glad that i got dia and dia's mama.. dia for lending me her shoulder.. to cry.. and her ears to listen to my unhappiness.. dia's mama say she treat me like her own daughter and say if anything.. i can go and tok to dia and go over and stay.. so touched.. even her mother also dote on me but why doesn't my own mother do the same..

yst while going to dia's hse.. i walked there.. it was 11+ p.m and i jus feel sux.. and wanted to take a walk alone.. i was crying all the way.. my mind was all him.. he was always with me when my mum treat me badly and letting me i still got him even without my mum.. so i felt even more upset.. coz its like all i had is myself.. i hope for him to be with me.. but i know i can't yearn for anything from him.. i wanted to let my unhappiness out over the phone.. and let him noe how upset i was.. all i can do is just listen to him.. and say nothing.. i know he got nothing to do with what's going to happen in my life again.. i jus have to hold back my tears and grief before i can do anything else..

its just so dramatic.. and she didn't even ans me when i call her just now.. haix.. jus fug.. my temperature went up.. and i got a flu last night till now.. and i cough so badly that my stomach muscle is in pain.. now i feel like i am in a mess.. very mess.. don't come near me.. PLEASE........ ARGHZ.. nv felt so down.. in my life.. so sick so helpless.. arghzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....................tis year had been a bad start for me.. and supposingly.. it won't get any better.. can i cry.. can i??????? can i? can i? can i? can i?

pissed and upset... damn down...

i hate my mum.. i simply hate her.. why has she got to treat me like that.. when i nv do anything wrong..

this happens just now -->

mum talking to dad..

mum: later return me $20 ah?
dad: *puzzled why?
mum: ur daughter today see doc no need money ah?
dad: my daughter not urs ah...
me: *pissed ya lor...
mum: *keep quiet.. what u wanna think let u think la

then she act like nuttin happen..

then dad went inside the room leaving me and mum in the kitchen... she just take her stuff and slam the refrigerator door.. after that she ask brother to keep the things back to the refrigerator.. and brother ask why.. she say.. coz she didn't want to see someone..

i can't hold back my tears anymore.. even infront of my dad, i jus have to cry.. alright if she didn't want to see me.. why did she have to bring me to this world.. even if she dislike me.. why has she got to talk to me like that.. i going out.

mssing U~

i know i am nt the one u car for most...
neither am i the one u love.
but can i say all i want is to be with u forever?
and love u forever...
to u i may nv change.
i do try.. even the results is not what i want.
no one is perfect...

sick today.. was running a fever last night and it got worse.. this morning.. didn't talk much to him todaya and argue over some things today.. which was kinda a misunderstanding.. maybe i really need to study my english all over again.. but i don't want my english to be bad too.. did i?.. wake up at 11+ and took a bath and went to the doc.. the weather was bad.. and the doc say it is an infection. was kinda worried i had passed it my infection to him coz we shared a bottle of mineral yst.. but i think he is strongger thus he is alright.. *prays.. i was coughing so badly that i think i choke and vomit.. the doc ask me to rest over the weekend.. but all i did was slping on off on off today.. couldn't realli sleep well coz was feeling the heat all over.. but i miss him a lot.. tis is all i can do... for so long.. so long.. all i can do is think of him and just think.. his smile.. and everything he does.. hope he enjoy himself.. tonight..

Economics test tml..

just finish reading my econs ppt and stuffs.. going to bed.. my throat is killing me.. and got a very heavy head now.. shall take my panadol and go to my lala land.. wanted to put a song in my blog but the ftp server can't be access.. wonder why.. shit.. shall try again tomorrow.. god bless me.. 'm happy today coz i found the songs that i have been finidng so long.. and i got an A for my programming last week.. damn happy.. haha.. high morale now.. going to bed le.. good night people.

ah me not feeling well...

today, school as usual.. my throat feeling itchy right from the morning.. keep coughing.. arghz.. programming was quite easy today la.. at least i understand. then, after school play cs with jeremy.. and price is chocolate.. even Bernard the CS pro also say i quite zun.. so proud of myself.. *Grinz.. and i ate quite a lot of choc.. yummy... when going back home.. my stomach start to pain.. and it is so pain that i nearly faint.. on the way home.. couldn't even walk too fast... struggle to get home.. then, reach home.. ask mum to cook me something.. coz i was thinking that maybe i too hungry le.. that's why pain.. but after eating.. it get even more pain. shit... but now stil alright.. feeling tired nowadays.. so tired... not enough sleep.. should sleep early.. maybe sat going to learnt driving le.. so scared.. off to dinner le..

5 role model of my life...

was suddenly thinking of my family members and their good and bad points.. i have got 5 role models of my life.. my dad, aunt, sis, bro, mum... why.. i explain below:

dad: i admire dad for his calmness when handling matters at hand and my dad is also a very wise man.. i want to be like him for this two matters.

aunt: aunt is a very independent woman... she lives for herself and no matter what happen.. she is still very strong.

bro: my bro though he is sometimes flirty and stingy.. he is hardworking and very flexible in doing things..

sis: she is witty. wise like my dad.. calm when handling tense situation.. i just adore her..

mum: i just want to cook like her.. wahaha..

if i have got all this points.. haha.. i be happy..

alright, today i woke up at 6.30a.m.. damn tired.. extremely tired...went to factory with dad and they drive me to Ubi and get my PDL.. haven get my test date yet.. coz i didn't have my instructor IC no. shall ask him to get it from me.. had lunch with dad and aunt then took a taxi to Great world City under aunt's expense.. met xy and jia for FYP discussion.. and had our things done very quickly.. shop ard and we saw Xu Zhengrong.. he was quite handsome la. got a bright smile.. then after that.. i went back to dad's factory... all the way back home from paya lebar.. i was sleeping like a pig.. get tired easily nowadays. i need to go to bed early today.. my leg is so painful now.. haix..

RIP Ah Long, Date: 17/05/2005

heard from jeremy that his fish die le.. so sad.. i remember i feed that fish before.. it was big and fat.. and hearing what he say about his parents.. i just tear.. could see the bond between the family and the fish.. i know he is feeling quite upset also.. so many years le.. even my dog.. i don't think my mum love it so much.. and she can still ask us to give it away.. i should give my mum away instead. i'm touched by their love for the fish.. jus something that make me feel that.. people jus isn't so heartless afterall. even though it is just a fish. I guess Ah Long, no mater where is it now.. it is happy that it once live in a family that everyone love it so much.. if i'm the fish.. i be happy too. Hope his parents will feel better tomorrow..

i'm jus a gal...

jus got home from town... went town to buy xy godbrother's present and then pass it to him.. her godbrother quite cute la.. and his friend all okay okay la.. bought a light pink top that i like vry much coz its jus so sweet and cheap... 16 bucks only. was yawning away.. while shopping.. had pastamania for dinner.. then, we went home..

yesterday, i was feeling so down.. wanted to cry so much.. suddenly felt so vulnerable as if i collapse.. i was hoping someone would be there.. alright i just want him.. stop denying.. ya but i know its not possible.. i feel like lying on someone shoulder and just cry.. that's how i felt.. i'm alright now.

keep seeing butterflies today.. and it remind me of that gal, Grace he know at Esplanade.. haix... is it a bad thing.. she like butterflies but i hate it.. it may look beautiful when flying ard but when it come near me.. i make sure either it die.. or i run.. i keep telling myself.. if our relationship can't even withstand a girl or even this hurdle right infront of us.. then, what's the use of worrying so much.. it makes me feel better for awhile.. but not now.. coz he's not yet home.. nowadays, i've been telling myself either.. i'm forgetting this guy, he don't love me, or what's the use of worrying so much.. if jus coz of a gal he know somewhere or what.. or wherever.. everything breaks.. then, this relationship is not worth anything at all.. anyway, the relationship has already ended.. i shld say then what's the use of me loving this guy so much..

see the way they talk about girls in class like sec sch boys.. wah chio ah.. den giggle like mad.. like tico pek.. okay.. now.. out of 10 things i don't like guys to do.. he has already done 9 of them.. good job.. ha.. who cares.. but i still love him la.. but its rather normal for guys to be like that.. just don't too kua zhang.. and now he open mouth.. always @#$%^&&^%$#$%^&.. si bei jia lat...

people keep asking this and that.. about us.. making me more heartbroken actually.. should i ask him to write on his forehead.. i don't love Jamie at all then they will stop asking.. imgine someone ask jeremy.. when u getting engage with jamie so u can don't go ns.. den he reply.. no i wan to go ns.. ji tao.. feel like banging on the wall.. but what can he reply.. i'm thinking too much le..

I think i should jus walk on and forget about this someone... if its meant to be... its meant to be.. someone told me.. as long as he is not married.. there is still a chance.. but.. when u know this person is happier without u.. your existance don't mean anything anymore.. i want a relationship when both need not keep guessing what the other is thinking.. jus feel free to say their unhappiness, happiness or whatever.. then this is a relationship when there is trust, honesty, and true love.. its also the type of relationship i always hope for. i though i found it.. coz even if u behave like a dirty little kid.. i love u for who u are.. should stop.. if not.. i carry on.. for hours and hours.. tomorrow shall go and book my practical test date.. everything will be fine.. we are just gona stay as bickering partners and good friends..

God bless u..

why am i feeling this way.. a feeling of emptiness.. i lose him for good.. and i knew i don't mean anything to him.. so why do i still want to think so much.. can't i jus get him out of my mind.. why do i need to love or miss him.. arghz.. i'm feeling like shit.. too many events happen today... and i am kinda drained off.. if i could be out of his heart so easily.. someone could have step into his heart easily too.. sooner or later there will be one.. what i am afriad of.. and what i know i had to face it one day.. sooner or later.. god.. what do you want me to do.. giving me my world and taking it from me.. why????????????????????????????????????????

Demoralised...

got my finance Ut1 results back today.. and i got a freaking D+ which is conditional pass.. was so sad and disappointed.. but who can i blame but myself.. ever since school start.. i have not been able to concentrate on my studies wholeheartedly.. i know why and i know i shouldn't be letting all this stuff affect my studies.. i'm such a failure.. but this kinda stuff is hard to control.. i'm not going to let it affect me. I have said i'm letting go.. i HAVE TO let go.. he didn't need me.. and i bring no happiness to his life more than his friends did.. thinking back... nothing i suppose.. i shall buck up now.. seriously need to buck up..

today, something happen in class, and what is my conclusion.. i think he is more of a xiaxue loyal fan than mine.. nvm.. why should i mind when i say i want to give up.. but that gal gives me an impression that she is a *****.. nvm.. none of my business.. all i like abt her is her hair nothing else.. she is definitely self-obsessed.. so obsessed i think.. bth... i cut my long hair coz of someone i love.. and now its gone.. and my ceramic perm is getting further and further from me. forget it..

after school, had a chat with jia and xy.. and i wonder why some kind of guys.. are so stupid to love a gal who is always making use of them.. and when they know it.. they still want to be with them.. why do such girls have such guys who love them so much.. its so bloody stupid.. he might as well spend his time on a gal like me.. not saying anything that i am better but at least.. if i want to be with a guy now.. i make sure.. i truly love him.. and not love his money.. i feel like changing money to coins and throw at her face.. and then give her two tight slaps.. jus feel so injustice for that guy.. stupid woman.. well, i know she has always been a very materialistic person.. so.. no more comment..

so sleepy.. didn't had enough slp... i'm gonna slp early.. and now i'm gonna study for my statistics tml.. i know i flunk again.. coz its like last min work.. haix.. shall do my best.. don't think.. don't think.. 19 haix..

happy day?

i got my letter for my ftt which is a passed letter.. happy coz it is my first attempt... the first thing that come to my mind.. was to share it with him.. but i told myself.. he won't be there to always share my happiness with me.. and he won't be always interested too.. i guess it is a happiness i have to share with my buddies and my family. though at last, he saw my msg and call me.. but due to the jus wake up.. the way he tok was kinda sian sian.. and not a good way to share my happiness.. i couldn't stop laffing the moment i knew i passed.. that was how happy i am. at last, i was disappointed by the way the news was shared. Nvm, he's not mine now.. so what can i ask for except letting him know..

i know mummy wasn't very happy with me and keep makin sarcastic remarks about my one time attempt.. but what can i say.. i don't wish she would have to take her practical so many times too..

dad struck 4d today.. and we had a feast also celebrating my pass.. we had.. lobster cold dish.. chilli crab, steamed prawns, fried you tiao, mee sua, vegetables.. etc.. so full.. till i can't walk and feel like vomiting.. haha.. but the dinner was enjoyable.. we had our laughters..

kinda worried for sis.. coz i think she is under too much stress and now her body got problem.. hope the test will be alright.. *pray.. realli hope so.. coz if there is realli anything wrong with the baby.. she going to get it from her in laws..

i won't allow my feelings to let out again.. should i think what car i want now.. lol.. brother ask me to do that now.. haha..

dad ask me to start saving money today coz.. for my practical.. i need money... and after my diploma.. i need to go for the eye operation.. which has some percentage of getting blind and dad insist that i have to undergo tat operation to get my perfect eyesight back.. he always give me the best.. and he seems so proud of me today.. i think this is the first time i make him proud.. of me.. haha.. so he ask me to save money for the above stuff.. kinda hard...

and something impt.. haha.. after dinner.. dad drive us to geylang to see all that.. and.. we had a good laff in the car... we saw a mo xiao ling lookalike.. but mo xiaoling prettier.. haha.. realli so farnie.. i had a enjoyable day..

my life seems so complete.. but who knows.. my love life.. full of ups and downs.. and when i meet the one i love..he can't love me for who i am.. and the thing is that... he told me.. he is happier now.. than when he is with me.. i guess there is nothing more i can ask for when he told me he is happier now.. i love him and of course i want him to be happy even if he is not with me.. and now.. maybe i wasn't the princess in the fairytale.. but i could be the one who walking behind and being there for him when he need me.. i'm trying to forget my love for him.. and go on with my own life.. like cong say, i stay long ago.. time to wake up.. well, i should be happy since i got a good news and a nice dinner with my family.. and a very full dinner. gonna slp early tonight.. shan't carry on..

rainy night...

tis afternoon. went to cut my hair short... i need to start anew.. and i want to be strong..

i don't know what i treat him as.. maybe a special friend ba.. and soon a good friend. jus now something happen and he say me ignorant.. i was angry at first.. then he call.. after his explainations, i kinda agree with him.. i look stupid and ignorant.. wth right.. then, i was thinking.. how could i be so childish and ignorant.. people is being nice and me.. attitude fella.. i feel like digging a hole and bury myself inside. he indeed is someone who could think... and realli think i mean.. but sometimes.. he is too clear-minded that his feelings become so not important.. coz he always let his mind take over.. making him cold-blooded sometimes.. u know.. its not good if u always let your mind do things.. especially affairs of the heart.. and affairs of the heart often mean your heart not your mind.. i always want to be someone wise and nice but i guess.. still a long way to go.. and now i am beginning to miss my long hair.. and my ceramic perm will have to wait..

i nv let anyone hurt me enuff to cut my hair again.. not anymore.. coz i want to do the ceramic perm for ages.. but always fail.. and also.. i don't think i ever have the courage to step out of my shell again.tonight.. i found out that he know me inside out.. every little thing.. am i easily intepreted or am i so naive that he know me so well.. he know how should one talk to me to make me feel whatever. it amaze me.. but well.. jus amaze la.. nothing else.. now.. i'm gonna let my hair grow again...

if this world.. love can be so insignificant.. see those old people homeless out there.. those little kids.. and relationships of long years.. and yet they kill their wife like no one business.. could people reali change so fast.. maybe.. but if so.. let me be less emotional and be smarter pls.. or i should be glad i am like that.. don't know.. life is jus so tiring sometimes.. i'm hungry now.. so hungry..

nowadays, he seems to apologise so much.. so unlike of him.. make me feel so weird.. he don't used to apologise at stuff like he shout too loud or what when he was with me.. hahas.. is he starting to change or coz as a friend.. he will be more polite after his shoutings. weird ah.. well, i shouldn't bother myself too much about him..

i want to go Kbox and sing my FIR songs.. vent my frustrations out.. what a cool night to sleep.. omg.. sometimes i really feel like i came from mainland.. he make me feel like tat.. don't know how to explain.. maybe ignorant.. lol.. realli.. so sian...

suddenly was thinking of after rp.. i wonder will he still remember me.. or ever keep in contact with me.. will our path nv cross again even as friends.. what will my life be without him.. and i feel scare thinking of all this.. but i guess i should forget him.. and if one day our path never meant to cross again.. then its fate.

dead.

always thought u are the one who care about my feeling and i could trust.. but i'm wrong.. u don't care about how i feel at all. its the last straw.. why did i plung into it again when i have already woken up.. why... didn't u get hurt enough.. didn't u? why when things are getting better without him and yet u still want to plung in it.. aren't u finding problems for yourself.. he didn't even had a tiny bit of feelings for u.. so why.. make yourself..

a person i trust most and thought care about me deep down though he don't show it.. its all my daydreaming.. ya.. he shouted at me and ask me wake up.. thats right.. its all my thoughts.. why do my heart hurt so much.. not coz he say he don't love me.. but he say he is happier now than when with me.. i feel like my world fall on me.. someone i trust and believe care for me no matter as a friend or whatever.. turns out to be not true.. turn out to be my imaginations i suppose.

the things that he say keep appearing in my mind.. countless times.. all i hope is he care for how i feel.. a conversation starting with shoutings and ending with shoutings isn't what i want.. i feel so lost.. so lost.. that now my mind feel so dead and blank.. all i want is talk to u.. but i know u didn't want.. i'm not someone u love.. not someone u care about.. not someone u even missed if i am not ard. why do i have to love u.. why.. i hate it.. my heart is so shattered.. i need to get up.. and find myself.. i need to.. no matter how broken i am.. how hurt i am...

i'm completely hurt.. so hurt.. so painful.. that i don't know what i can do.. or what i should do.. why must it be u.. u don't care, its fine... its fine.. its over.. but why can't u tok to me properly..
never felt so heartbroken... my tears dry up.. maybe its a good thing.. a start.. to forget u.. to remove u from my heart.. i'm gonna get up.. and walk without u.. i'm hurt enough..

Jeremy, after this day... jamie will not be the jamie who loved u.. so much.. so deeply.. she will still be ur good friend like before.. i hope u can realli treat me like a good friend.. nothing more from u..

tarots...

i seems to be in much more of a trance nowadays.. i'm getting so tired of everything... being so close to him but in the end.. its always negative hopes and hurtful stuff that i see. could.. alright.. i may have misinterpreted ur intentions.. but.. tell me what u want me to do.. i dunno..

i wanted to treat everything like normal but how.. when i love u so much.. when i have the courage to face everything with u.. to walk thru this bad patch together with u... this hurdle of ours with u.. if u love me.. why don't u have the courage.. to face that u love me... and walk thru all this.. with me.. instead of letting me suffer here.. i have been here ever since the day everything broke off.. but where r u.. its all about life.. the ups and downs.. isn't it.. so if we walk thru this.. we could survive all others too.. isn't it.. i wasn't sure in the past if we could get back.. together... will we be happy or not.. but now i am sure.. if we could.. things will be better.. and more understanding and trust.. trust that u gave me this 6 months that.. u are still single.. and by my side after all those nonsense i give u.. i don't deny.. if i am u.. i would have gone nuts.. so i nv blame u for the bad ways u treat me.. its true.. i make u do it.. i force u to treat me that way..

i realise one thing that kept me going all these months are the feelings that u give me.. a feeling tat i don't know how to describe.. a feeling of love and care and yet not shown.. a bond between us.. that let u know what i am thinking and though i didnt know what u are thinking.. i could feel what u are feeling.

may it be my imaginations or my sensitiveness.. i trust u.. though u like beating me and teasing me recently.. maybe all we can do is start all over again.. or maybe it end here..

i was wondering, what would be my best birthday present.. being with u will be the best present.. but i know.. its impossible.. only if a miracle happen.. will then my dream come true.. but miracle don't happen on me..

last night couldn't get to slp.. coz my heart was physically pain.. toss and turn for about an hour.. and finally sweet dreams.. i have to be strong.. again i remind myself..

GOD.. ARE U PLAYING A JOKE ON ME.... ARGHZ.....

STOP IT...

dilemma... what am i thinking...

i don't know what i am thinking.. i know i love him.. i know i can't be with him.. i know.. he doesn't love me.. i know.. there is nothing that i can do.. so why am i so bothered.. about everything.. he care for me jus like a friend.. a good friend to him.. that he can be himself when he is with me.. he didn't have to hide.. anything infront of me.. its jus him..

maybe i should treasure the rest of the days left.. looking at him.. playing this little games of soccer with me with one dollar coin.. i imagine how he used to play with emily the rubber stuff they mention in their testimonial.. i knew he treat me like a friend.. like them.. looking at his smile.. so bright and happy.. his sunshine smile that has disappear infront of me for quite sometime.. i feel happy.. and contented.. this is all i ask for.. to see him happy.. and smiling to me in that smile.. to have the energy to play, talk, and laugh aloud... but suddenly i felt sharp pain.. coz all i wanted to do is reach out for him and hold him close.. but now.. it seems a mission impossible... i knew.. i have to learnt to be contented or risk losing him even as a close friend and make him go through all that he gone through in the past months.. i won't let history repeat itself.. and i don't find a point too.. to see him suffer and repeat my mistakes of why i lose him. i guess this is so called love..

understanding + trust = love

could i ever give u this equation? i guess i'm way too late.. to u..

seoheng ask me today.. r u ok? makes me feel like huh? well, he says i look thinner and thinner.. am i? i reply with a ya i'm fine..

i'm gonna take good care of myself.. and i know i can do it.. if i can go creative alone.. and go movies alone.. i believe.. i can do alot of things myself..

I pray that god bless u with all the happiness, health, and a smile that never fade..

i always say ur smile.. brightens up my days.. but never did i told u.. it was your understanding and gentleness that touches my heart... when i told u i love u forever.. i mean it..

the pain is back~

went to creative today. saw cong and we went to the mrt station together.. and saw gou gou.. haha.. so qiao.. my mp3 batt spoil le.. need to buy a new one but it is so expensive.. so not gonna buy.. wait till i got spare cash ba. then loiter at Jurong east mrt station and wait for xy to finish her ftt.. got a weird encounter in the toilet.. maybe i am unlucky ba..

then xy and me went to eat pastamania at scotts.. and went to coffeebean and do our project.. completed most of the webbie le.. haha.. great accomplishment. was feeling tired..

feeling like my heart break again.. is everything not impt.. all gone.. forgotten... i promise and i do what i promise..

你不会在爱我，
因为一切都太迟了。。。

do i look like a fool, always stealing glances at u..

and u noe it..

it doesn't feel good.. to have someone always staring at u..

i feel like a fool.. a stupid fool..

so what's ahead that god plan for me..

i'm fortunate.. i keep telling myself..

that's self consolation alright..

fear

is my happiness always short-lived.. i guess it is.. and all i can do is accept it.. God bless u.. and i jus be contented to be by ur side when u need me.. treasure what i have now.

class today... was as usual.. chaos.. when from the start till now.. i can only catch bits and pieces of the jigsaw.. after school play cs while waiting for jeremy as we are going to get our hardisk today. bought a 40Gb external hardisk at $116 including the casing. quite cheap.. still can tip abit.. den went to eat mango ice finally.. we share the mango ice but still cannot finish it.. taste okay nia la.. coz i don't realli like mango.. i like the strawberry one better.. haha.. the kiwi is too sour, mango too sweet and strawberry sweet and sour.. hehe.. then, we went home after that... sleep in the mrt.. coz i was so damn tired.. in the mrt, 3 guys were toking so loudly and whenever they open their mouth, i hear vulgar language.. feel like giving them 3 tight slaps.. so irritating.. they think they very smart noe how to scold all that.. bloody hell.. i'm so tired...

你在我身边吗？
我逼自己坚强，不哭。。。
你在我身边吗？我逼自己坚强，不哭。。。

my external HDD


mangoIce


the mango ice look a bit like shit.. lol...

unreasonable gal...

today, went to somewhere very nice and let my heart out.. feel a lot better after that.. but that place a lot of flies.. so my legs become so itchy after that...

find out that i can be so unreasonablt till i am ashame of myself.. so old le.. still dunno how to think.

i must be strong no matter what lies ahead.. jus go with my feelings.. at least i won't leave wit regrets..

class sux.. and i'm such a sinner. waste food and money.. and when i am broke.. i'm still wasting money..

i'm gonna change.. everything...

suddenly feel so sick and unwell, short of breath and i can't even keep my head up.. my fingers are feeling so weak tat i cant type... but when i look over.. he was happily chatting.. then i realise.. even if anything happen, i only have myself to ask for.. i have to be strong.. coz no one else cares.. jus be strong for myself.. and everything will be fine. guess what.. i feel like fainting..

At the dolphin bay...

i'm watching this show since morning.. very touching show.. make me cry my eyes out..

my temper has been bad recently and i don't know why.. is it coz that i'm pressing myself too hard... i know.. i'm trying to keep everything to myself.. im not feeling good.. and unhappy. no matter what.. i will continue it this way.. life don't go the way u want it to be.. feel like eating pizza... in fact i realise i like being alone more nowadays. i always mention him infront of all my close frens.. and i guess someday they get sick of it.. so its better to be alone..

i know someday i may face things that i can't take it.. but now i can control my temper, my tears and my heartache better.. does it means i am stronger?

你一直都在我身边吗？
还是这只是我的另一个梦。。
我好害怕有一天我没有机会跟你说，
直到今天。。我还是很爱你。
一中不能自拔的感觉。。。
如果这是我们的结果，
我请求上天给我留在你身边，
让我陪你度过你的快乐与悲伤。

i slept in the living room last night.. should i do the same tonight.. haha.. but i wake up aching all over... watch eye 10 jus now.. so scary.. and i'm all alone at home. now my fav character not monya le.. its qoobee.. its damn cute.. qoobee is a good character whereas monya is a bad one.. so i like qoobee better... i'm gonna have regular meals now.. and have enough sleep so that i can gain weight.. ate a lot of ice-cream today.. it is simply delicious.. my shoulder is still painful.. but at least better la.. coz of stupid ferny... he is a big bully.. i gonna kick his ass one of this days.. actually wanted to go J8 shop shop abit.. but now kinda broke.. and also a bit sian.. coz today sure a lot of pple.. so i think other days ba.. alright.. i'm gonna eat my ice-cream le.. and watch my tv.

this is qoobee website: http://www.qoobee.com/index2.html

jus watch a show.. given to me by sharon.. its a english movie but i kinda forget the title.. haha.. i'm here to correct the title.. that is a series of unfortunate event.. thanks to ferny for letting me know the title.. hihi.. this show truly amaze me... with the 3 kids.. violet, carl and sunny.. violet can invent a lot of things and carl read a lot and is a very knowledgeble fellow and sunny has a set of very strong teeths and she bites everything.. she's is the youngst but still she is smart. all of them prossess certain qualities.. and they made good use of it.. what amaze me is how they face everything in life like when they met up with baddies and mishaps.. it just makes me wanan be like them...

but no one is perfect.. its just that they are blessed right.. haha.. i want to learn to cook... to do what all ladies do.. but i am still myself.. no acting of beautiful or gentle ladies.. its hard and tiring.. alright.. blog again tonight..

the dream has ended...

my dream has ended so fast.. all hopes dashed.. i thought it was a beginning but it seems to be an ending instead.. he woke me up from my dream today... i manage to hold my tears back infront of him.. but my heart was feeling like it was being grabbed and churned.. all i wanted to hear is some coaxing from him for hitting me so hardly on my arm today which still hurts now when i move.. maybe i hurt him too.. and i don't know if he is still in pain.. but if he is.. i coax him.. but it turn out that i have to wake up from my dream... a dream that don't exist. Words i nv imagine that will be out from my own mouth.. i knew all i could do is just that.. at least make our life better.. i catch my breath.. calm myself.. and bring myself to say what i need to say but not what i want to say. i hold back my tears and force a smile.. but im tearing.. i wanted to turn and jus go away.. but i knew i couldn't do that.. my dream started when we get closer and i thought things will get better as we get used to each other and ur temper has been better towards me recently too. its all a dream.. a nv existing dream. after he go, my tears just drop.. my heart was broken.. very broken.... but i knew this is the best i could do.. its not easy to hold back my tears..

i love him.. but.. i don't know what i can do.. i'm so upset everytime he yell at me.. even xy also can hear his yelling.. i don't know what i am trying to do.. but i know the dream is over.. his temper won't be better coz of me. it won't be me either..

he called me after that.. i'm happy he did.. coz he is the only one who can ruin my day and also the one who can brighten up my day.. reach dad's factory went to buy a crepe.. as i was famished.. but it taste sux.. manage to finish 3 quarter of it. reach there, aunt ask me.. why this few days u like sian sian lidat.. i.. jus keep quiet... what can i say... but i tok to my dog.. of course he nv reply me.. silly...

walk my dog and when he see a bigger dog.. he bark at the dog.. gosh man.. i was about to run.. coz tat dog is big.. and my stupid dog keep barking and barking.. shit.. if the dog chase me.. i faint.. went to jin zhen at grassroot club for dinner.. and it cost a whopping sun of $539 for one bloody dinner.. and only 8 of us. Sumptous dinner but i look like an alien there, with my pale face and sloppy look.. even the waitress look prettier than me..

now, i'm worried about sis.. that stupid woman.. if she ever do anything to my sis.. i make her pay and her stupid malaysian husband to pay.. fug her.. she wanna call the police.. i make sure she lost everything she got.. brainless woman.. a disgrace to all female in this earth... she think she loud.. pple scare of her.. stupid bitch.. her husband is jus a stupid useless cameraman.. and there she wanna call pple come down and beat my sis.. she better fucking use her brain.. what has she got to play with us.. her fucking useless life.. that we don't even want.. kanna sack by my sis coz of her imcompetence and she still wanna make trouble... useless right.. shit.. and my sis is pregnant now.. if she touched her.. i'm gonna make her suffer a fate worse than death.

i'm gonna find myself back.. the radiant and better looking me.. at least unlike now.. malnutrition.. i'm gonna gain weight.. and be happy.. i look like a bloody skeleton now that even when i look at the mirror myself.. i'm so upset.... i'm tired.. but don't want to slp.. thinking of some things..

i know i am a stronger person now.. now what i want.. is money.. so i can treat my dad to dinner.. didn't at least chip in for dinner today.. i feel so bad.. so useless.. sis paid so much.. and dad dote on me so much.. yet i can't even chip in $50 bucks.. sux.. aunt even pay my hp bill for me.. and she say i no need to pay her.. another sux.. if i got 10 million.. i cure my ah kim illness and make her walk again.. give her a decent life.. i buy a villa for my dad.. and give him a good life.. i give dia and darren some money.. i have a decent place for homeless pple... and that old granny always selling tissue at scotts there.. i give him a fixed account.. so that he wont anyhow spend the money.... hehe.. i wish i could do all this.. but i hope someday i could realli do it with my own abilities.. and not marrying a rich husband or whatever.. i have to learnt.. no matter what..

hope my horns will grow faster.. today, i found a similarity between me and my dad.. that is soft-heartedness.. i'm always different from my family in every term. Except for this, i know i am soft-hearted especially to my family, buddies and him.. it has its pros and cons ba.. i'm gonna slp le i think..

is what i am doing right or wrong?
i don't know..
time will tell everything..

gross~

school was jus slacking today.. gotta CCA launch today.. a lot of people in the canteen.. so noisy and my lappy got so many problems.. thanks to ferny for helping me.. and we kp the IT Helpdesk pple.. tat guy jus piss me off with his looks and attitude.. he sux alright.. so song.. so long nv kp pple le.. but i realli fedup.. with them la coz i jus format my com yst.. and today got problem.. stupid right..

watch house of wax today.. gross but nice.. exciting.. make me wanna vomit.. lol.. especially when i see the flesh.. peel off skin all that.. eeks.. my nails break again so i decided to cut off most of them.. tml gonna have dinner with daddy they all for birthday celebration. kinda tired now..

jus change my blog song.. nice one le.. very soothing song.. i love it.. now i wanna go and poo poo le..

i don't know if this is numbness or that i learnt to accept things the way they are.. but i'm glad i felt much better.. i shall continue the way i am.. don't think so much.. accept things better now.. finally relax today.. after my final theory test.. but a excitin relaxation.. haha.. the show make me jump.. realli.. ahaha.. so long nv watch such show le..

nuttin... jus go on crashing on me.. go on.. my last bit of hopes dashed.. what's there to love?

at last...

i finish 100 questions... and i know i am not ready yet.. its 2.00a.m now.. i can't go on anymore.. i'm simply feeling sick.. bad headache.. and my body feeling warm.. even my dad and bro all say that.. i guess i need a rest.. tml gonna take my time to do my things.. i'm feeling so tired.. i need a good sleep.. thanks for my friend's encouragement.. and u for bring smile to my face at the last min.. when i am feeling so stress.. well.. only u have the magic to do that to me.. haha.. i know u treat me as a good friend.. i treasure it..

i have been reminding myself he treat me as a friend.. why.. coz i don't want history to repeat itself unless one day.. he tell me he love me.. if not.. nuttin else is going to be out.. shall have an early nite.. i realli wonder what steph is up to.. realli wondering.. what does she wants.. weird gal.. o.. i forgot all abt my photo today.. my mind is too occupied.. with stress, happiness.. and my final theory stuff... and one thing.. mon look too decent to speak like the way he speak to me jus now.. realli cant judge a book by its cover.. i thought i kick the wrong person.. someone i duno.. it will be so paiseh.. but wth he forget me le.. ahaha nothing worth remembering anyway.. i'm easily scared.. especially in irc stuff.. coz i'm new in it.. and i dunno some of the people.. lol.. so paiseh.. good luck jamie.. jia you... nite pple.

my happiness all shortlived?

from morning till now, i was smiling like nobody business.. i smile like a maddie from the mental hospital.. i was in fact happy.. and true happiness.. coz i felt the feeling i once felt again with him.. then, i was worrying.. would this happiness last long.. and i brush it off with a don't think so much.. i was close to him this few days in fact.. nice and warm.. the feeling of in love.. i remind myself that he may jus treat me as friends.. but couldn't help giving that silly smile.. even smiling like a nut when having lunch with xy.. and she keep asking me what am i smiling at. ya. i'm behaving like a mad gal.. smiling to myself and etc..

but right now.. i feel so sad.. my heart jus felt torn up.. i shouldn't hope for much.. shouldn't hope at all.. should be glad that i could stay by his side as a good friend.. one should be contented yeah.. no matter whats gonna happen.. i'm not gonna think more than a friend.. unless he say the other thing..

tomorrow i'm taking my final theory and i'm not prepared actually. still blur abt certain things.. if i'm gonna make it.. its gonna be tico.. wanted to ask him about some of the stuff.. coz asking dad is abit of hardwork coz he is illiterate.. nvm.. since he is not feeling so good.. jus take another time.. i'm gonna do questions and finish all the show i taken today all at once.. coz tml i'm going to sch to format my com.. my ppt all tat still cant be used.. its too troublesome.. and hard to survive in sch.. i shall do everything at once.. but gonna lost my songs and movie.. so gotto watch all at once tonight.. i'm tired.. but nvm.. shall work hard.. at most i slp tml afternoon.

jus now.. went to eat yoshinoya.. the student meal one.. was quite full and my stomach was filling very good.. then.. jia rush off to meet her bf.. xy went to play bowling.. and i was left alone.. walk from cineleisure to fareast.. with my ice cream... the night is jus calm and nice.. and a little boy wanted to give me a free rose.. so cute.. do i look lonely.. haha.. he's cute la.. but i decline.. look farnie with one stalk of rose yeah.. still remember he was outside paragon.. haa.. i continue my walk and watch GDTW on the bus coz scare no time to finish all the show.. so touching that i cry.. but hack la. who cares who is watching me right.. the nite will be busy.. hope his mood will get better.. notice he rather tired nowadays.. dunno why.. and moody also.. don't want to ask him.. or don't dare ba.. he needs to be alone when he is not feeling good.. al i can do is hope.. seems so useless.. alright.. i'm gonna practise my theory le.

i don't know what i am to u...

someone for u to vent ur anger at..

or someone u dun care how she feels when u are feeling unhappy..

u hurt me tonight..

ask me to shut up.. diam.. i will.. forever if u wish it this way.

i'm leaving.. i'm not gonna stay anymore..

i'm like a invisible person to u.. so invisible..

if one day, i'm visible to u.. all i could say is thank u.

i will nv change.. alright.. nv.. to u.. i hope i can leave like the way u ask me to give up.. its hurts.. it does.. i got my own life.. but why do i always want it to revolve ard u.. why.. its jus love.. u want me to give up. i will.

awake!!!

i slept at 3a.m last night and guess what.. i wake up at 10a.m this morning... it is too early to be true. why i couldn't sleep.. coz suddenly my mind was fill with grace... ya the gal he met on his birthday.. that's fate ah.. well, i'm jus a insecure gal.. no confidence.. only a plain old me... that no longer look radiant or pretty.. sounds pathetic but its true.. what can i do when i'm like that.. couldn't find anything to be happy about.. not my results, not my family, in fact i'm quite in a mess. a mess that i don't know how to clear up but jus leave it there..

i see people changing bfs like no one business.. is it that once a guy treat a gal well, she will fall in love with him.. i used to be like that but no longer since 1 or 2 year ago.. coz its not love.. sometimes i wish i could be like them.. no need to worry abt anything and jus enjoy being loved but god make me someone who couldn't be like them. in fact, i haven smile for a long time.. i did laff, loud laff, joke.. and.. hearty laughters u can hear from me.. but inside me.. i was tearing up.. the louder i laff the more fake it is.. weird me.. but if i don't laff i only show the face of sadness.. which i didn't want him to see anymore.. this few days i'm happy.. but in the end.. i don't know if i should be happy anot..i get to hear what is inside his heart.. but something is keeping him back.. maybe one day, he would tell me.. or i would nv know.. what is keeping us apart..time left for us is not much either.. jus a few more months.. and i may nv get to see him again.

i love this guy or this man.. a love which i don't know how to describe.. he nv fail to bring smiles to my face.. real smile.. do things which i loathe yet love the way he is doing it.. give me temper which scares me yet i accept it.. speak like a kid which make me laugh my head off.. that's him.. look so grown up, so mature.. yet there is a fun, cute side of him and a fierce and angry side of him that erupt like a volcano.. but i know.. i haven done much in making him happy.. or bringing him any happiness. now in the same class, i know all i could do is stop giving him trouble.. and let him know i care.. and wanted to be his friend..

he contradicts himself at times.. and i wonder if he knows what he wants.. i contradict myself coz i wanted to love him but i can't love him. i'm holding myself back for him.. had i able to throw away all my love and jus be a fren he wants me to be. i don't know how long i can bottled up everything in me.. and i don't know.. what i can do but jus keep things the way they are now.. i'm happy enough.. he had got his freedom and someone who will be there for him.. when even the sky falls on him.. i still be by his side.. its his freedom that i taken away.. too possessively.. and a price i pay.. for everything.

i wanted to do something for myself. be it for my own good.. or my own happiness.. i jus can't throw him there.. i know he could live well without me.. its jus me that didn't know how to be selfish towards him. i want to be someone who could love and be loved.

its not the needs that matter the most to me u know.. its the closeness that matters to me. anyway i lose it.

if u are running away from it.. i wont force u..

if u are facing it... no matter how it ends.. i love u still..

if u are giving it up like that.. i won't force u either..

if u want to treat it like a test.. i will walk through this test with u..

no matter what u choose.. u noe.. i'm here.. jus for u..

i jus hope u don't regret what u do and be happy with what u choosen..

coz its all that matters to me now that u be happy and well.

u make me smile everytime u tok to me.. its ur magic.. and u.

i remember what u say.

am i silly? now i understand what pple mean by loving unconditionally..

someone say.. u noe.. i realli love u all tis while.. i wanted to reply.. i have always love u all this while too.. but then he jus say.. bluff u one.. who want to love u.. i didn't have the time to react.. at all.. it shows the different between being in heaven and being in hell..

i was wondering why u keep ur love so tightly.. is it coz of fear or what.. i'm numb but i can feel.. everything.. if u realli want to keep everything under the earth.. i treat it as i'm blind.. or stupid to not feel anything.

有些人用了一辈子的时间才知道自己爱上了一个人，但又有谁愿意用一辈子的时间去等。。



how i always want my wedding to be like:

it would be in a church.. and i walk down the aisle with him in a tube white wedding gown.. with a bouquet of white rose.. he will be giving me the same old cheeky smile.. everything will be decorated with white rose.. nuttin else.. our fav music will be played..

well, its jus a dream.

how i want my funeral to be:

i want a beautiful casket decorated with white rose.. a pretty white dress on me with makeup that make me look alive.. i want the prettiest photo that i have ever.. taken to be shown.. i don't want my parents to be crying.. like mad.. nor my frens.. i want my fav songs to be played.. till now i still dunno.. whether i want to be cremated or buried.. coz.. cremate is scary.. and buried will be lonely.. so u people decide ba.. keep me at home.. hahaha.. good idea le.. i jus wan everything to be like a dream..

in real life.. dreams dun come true.. so jus let the dead be like a dream.. that will come true.. i nv be that close to u again. i shld learnt to be contented.. jus leave him alone.. he be happier.

the devil: jus leave him alone.. he don love u.. so why u care.. its not worth it.. u wont get anything in return.. u can have plenty of guys if u wan.. jus play with them and dump them.. and jus enjoy urself.. why bother urself so much.. u care but end up u are the one suffering.. what does he noe.. he noe ur heart breaks for him???

the angel: u did it out of love.. so there is nuttin wrong.. maybe jus keep it to urself.. there is nuttin wrong with loving someone..

the devil was cold and hard-hearted.. and the angel fill with love..

i be neither angel or devil.. i jus be myself..

if i say.. i strongly believe u say that out from ur heart.. yet knowing.. u will deny.. what i shld do.. jus forget it.. letting my heart crack a bit.

nite.. dun ask me abt anything my frens.. jus let me be.. i be fine.. i jus wanna blog how i feel.. nuttin serious.. life has many things that is so unpredictable and so.. hard to define.. its jus thoughts of my own.. i don't need anyone to survive.. i jus want this someone to be happy..

do u noe wat u wan?

yst went to dia's birthday party.. BBQ actually.. the pork that darren marinate was marvellous.. so nice and the meat was so tender.. but limited.. lolx.. saw Valentino, Victor and Meiting... haha.. they look dao at first la but later in the day not realli.. after that.. we rot there till abt 2+ and decide to slp over at victor's house.. coz ah mei also tired and we have no other activities for the day. was feeling unconfortable.. for the whole day.. and had a slight headache.. this morning jus came back.. sleep for awhile and went to Orchard.. went to walk a lot of places.. my head was feeling heavy and pain.. finally found one tee that i think look nice at least.. went to had my first meal of the day at ya kun.. but couldn't even finish the bread..

then went home soon after that.. went out again at about 8p.m.. and blah blah blah..

all i thought was its not the character that was different.. its the way i do things.. the way i think things should be done that make us quarrel.. i guess it jus tat i am childish and didn't think well at that time.. two person who have very different characters will have a hard time talking to each other.. but we can do it... can't we.. we always quarrel over things that i'm over concern with.. i know what i am doing.. i won't misunderstood ur intention like in the past but i hope anything u would tell me the truth.. realli the truth.. its been a long time since i realli smile u noe.. thanks..

jus now came back saw wei cong, wai kit and mingzhu.. haha.. so farnie.. now i'm looking forward to watching the house of wax and initial D.. should be nice show la..

tml going to sis's hse... see them play mahjong.. shall bring my final theory book there to learnt so that i can ask them also.. i'm tired.. yet i feel like watching Ge Dou Tian Wang.. ha.. nvm.. i'm tired.. extremely tired.. shall go to bed le..