Just come back from work, so tired and i have been doing this and that without resting at all.
finally FYP is over and everything seems to go very smoothly. Very soon i am going on to my next phase of life and now i am feeling quite lost over it. Will be busy with my registration of university very soon.. i need guidance from pple but somehow there seems to be no one there.. i jus have to depend on myself..

i know this phase of life is a challenge to ling and me.. i hope we will pass through it.. together and strong.. i know he is already very nice to me and i am glad about that.. but sometimes it really itch me when i didn't make him angry.. *OPPS.. but its true.. dunno y... but nevertheless i love him.

work have been piling up on me in my work place.. more responsibilities.. and more different kind of work that i have not done before.. i guess i jus have to be more serious and put in more effort about my work and realli strive in it.. this is just part of the experience i will gain in my life that will help me in future. no regrets.

I have been reAding 2 of Junith Mcnaughts' book and it jus make me continue reading her book. It is so interesting... the twist in the story so wonderful and full of life.. i guess i just got hook on her books.. and i'm gonna dig all of it out and finish them since i am going to have plenty of time to read.. Look out for her 'Double Standard' & 'Once & Always'.

when she come that day.. i didn't know how to face her.. such a hypocrite.. i simply hate her for doing this to my closed ones.. i don't give a damn if she is alone in this world or she used to love me like a daughter.. coz i don't give a damn to her money which may belong to my dad.. i despise her.. i really don't know how to smile as sweet as i always did before infront of her face knowing what kind of person she is. i pity her at the same time.. i hate her.

Heard from my mum that my ah kim now abit blur coz of old age.. so upset.. i had wish i had the money to give her anything she wan and let her live comfortably for the rest of the life.. but i didnt have what it takes.. she doesn't deserve a life like that.. and i promise i will do something.. to change what i can change.

everything i see.. i feel frustrated.. my parents and sis.. playing mahjong away.. and my niece crying away.. yet her mother which is my sis just wanna stay glue to the mahjong table. i just don't understand.. u can play mahjong anytime right.. ur child is crying and u bear to see ur little baby crying like what and u just sit there and play.. just bloody stop the game.. and when i come back from work.. i had to be a nanny again.. look after my niece ad carry till my hand ache.. then.. even have to walk my dog which is my mum's job and she say she is busy which is playing mahjong.. i feel like shouting at them.. but i knw its useless.

i wish i had money.. to give my ah Kim... now..
i wish i had money to give my poor dad..
i wish i had a Judith Mcnaught book now to relax myself..
i wish i am not feeling so upset and tired now..
sleeping soon...

just wake up and i feel like my head so heavy.. my limbs were tired that i don't feel like moving.. later i am going for my FYP presentation.. and dear got pls pray that Mervyn Beng ate something wrong last night and had stay at home for good. Now i am trying to make myself awake and going to read through my stuff before i step into that room.

many things had happen as usual but i refuse to give up what i felt was my happiness even though sometimes i maybe unhappy but well.. what to say.. i love him.. and i know that i have spoilt him throughoutly like how my mum spoil my brother.. like her, i had no turning back... even if i do.. i don't bear to treat him that way... some ladies out there may see me as a weakling but well.. i rather be weak now then i have regrets later. i'm training up... to be a stronger person in mind and heart.

quite awake now.. shall start on my work with my coffee..

i though my tears had run dry and i vow once i never shed another tear for him and yet today i did it again. i'm starting to pity myself.. for being such a weakling.. problems are starting to stack on me and yet i feel so alone with no one to confide in even the one closest to me seems too busy to even hear me out. I had try to be independent but things jus weigh on me more and more.. and it seems that as one get older.. problems jus increase.

my work:
pple stab me when i didnt even do anything.. what i felt was just coz my supervisor wanted me to be incharge of birthday parties and this guy here.. is trying to climb as high as he can even though all he had is hardwork w/o brains. i thought my current working environment will be the most friendly one but i wasn't right.. all i see in him is right and the worse thing is that he is the one who is suppose to teach me all the stuff that i need to know. Luckily, those trainers and another CS help me infront of my supervisor or i think i be sack very soon. I hate an environment like this but i am not going to run just coz of what he did. I will show him.

my family:
so many things happen, i could see that in dad's face.. his unhappiness to come home and his urge to get out of the house asap. what i heard from mum make me so upset but there is nothing i can do except to console her. God, pls help them..

my relationship:
sometimes i feel like a ex prisoner.. my crimes always brought up.. even when i didnt even have the chance to open my mouth. u ask me why i sian sian but even before when i got the chance to ans u.. what u say jus make me mad.. "wanna find quarrel again is it"... i jus hate the feeling when someone i love always condemn me back to my past sins no matter how much i wanted to change. someone i love who always say fuck off, shut up.. when he is angry.. this is the time when i feel worthless to u.. i treasure everything coz i love u..

just last night in the taxi.. i was thinking that i am such a fortunate girl.. with a family.. so nice and well.. average enough for me not to worry over financial stuff since young.. a good girl friend who always support me in my life.. and a bf who fuss over me when i go clubbing.. show that i have a place in his heart isn't it?

then now, i was feeling so broken like twigs on the floor.. so vulnerable.. its seems like everything was a dream. the sweet nothings was just to stop my grumbling.. and now i know how those prisoners feel.. its like once u done something bad.. the crime would always be written on ur face wherever u are.. its like my case now.. nothing is perfect.. nothing was stable like i thought so.. nothing is so wonderful..

still someone who won't love my bad and good points.. i ask myself.. compromise..

i saw a snail that day on the way out.. and behind it was another snail already crashed.. but the snail infront continue to walk ahead.. it needs courage and determination.

first time...

alright.. i'm gonna talk about the first time i go clubbing which is last night.. so many funny things happen.. and i did enjoy is tremendously.. like what my good sis say... so long she nv see me so relax and happy le.. that is why she keep acc me to the dancefloor.. lol...

this is a party host by my our sch pple.. my friends.. quite nice one.. its the first time i see RP pple so HIGH and united i think.. all so friendly.. and nice.. including the golden monkey.. who used to always bully me.. the first time i step into the dancefloor.. i was kinda shy.. and there was this tico caucasian.. standing on top of the dunno wat.. he keep looking down.. i was thinking he was looking at those wonderful cleavage below.. and of course i cover dia.. haha.. she was sexy that night.. for me.. i cover myself well enuff... lol.. coz my government.. was spying on me.. haha.. no skirt.. no sexy.. no transparency.. so farnie.. then.. dia and i were dancing so close that a guy ask if we are lesbian.. den i say no.. lol... den he ask what is my name.. and i jus dunno.. he give me the stunt look.. so farnie.. but he quite handsome.. haha too bad... i love my darling so much.. though he always bully me.. after a few dance.. finally i found my darling at about 12.15a.m when i reach there about 9p.m.. finally get to hug him and have a short dance with him..

first time see my darling so conscious over me.. so cute of him.. and so sweet.. i love it.. haha.. but after i see him for awhile.. ling want me to home sweet home.. coz he say papa will scold and upstairs a lot of guys.. so though a bit disappointed.. i went home.. and reach home about 1a.m.. so early right..

i had so much fun but when i reach home.. i was so damn tired after all the dancing.. too bad.. rest of my buddies nv go.. sadded.. if not we could catch up and have fun.. i tot i won't like that place but it turns out that i like it.. but maybe without the suffocating smoke smell.. wine, liqour and beer is ok.. haha.. i love to dance but no chance to dance till so mad only at this clubbing areas.. so relaxing.. with my good sister.. and looking at people smooching away in the dance floor or dancing those exotic dance.. and those shaking their butts away.. i remember dia say about one guy.. his butt is very dangerous.. haha.. coz he was shaking his butt at the level of our precious head.. everybody jus so bu gu xing xiang.. so i also nv care and jus dance to the music.. who cares who is beside me.. just make sure that guys keep their hands to themselves.. but this kinda places cannot always go.. can go when very stress.. sure destress.. lol

now.. i'm abit.. haix.. coz i heard something from ling.. think everything is going to end.. nvm..

my FYP submission is over.. now more relax.. jus abit gan cheong for the presentation.. so fast and my year 3 is going to be over.. gonna plan my next route of my life.. another change.. my bro pass his 'O' level.. happy for him.. at least he didnt flunk though nv pass with flying colors. well, still in good mood now but a bit sleepy.. haha.. night..

so many things had happen and it had drain my energy tremendously.. i get irritated easily because i am about to reach the limit.. understand..

today, i say some things which i mean it... and had bottled it for so long.. sometimes i felt that i can't live my life.. like this anymore..

that day outside burlington square, at that moment when i stare into u.. all i want is jus walk and go.. away from u for good.. in my heart, its beating and aching every moment with what u say and ia sk myself.. how could someone who say he love me say this or do that.. i was speechless.. using every bit of strenght.. to stay there..

now i noe this is my limit.. a limit that i always wonder where is it.. how is it that i could get by so long hanging there.. maybe i seen much into this love life.. of mine..

so stressful coz of my work, my FYP and my dad's stuff.. its bringing up my temper.. quick and hot..

don't wants -->
empty promise
hurting words
challenge from u to do something i dun like

wants -->
let me know i mean something to u
simple care and concern
stop putting me in the past
stop being so sensitive with my words

time flies~

it's been so long since i last blog.. well.. so far all bad news ba.. i fail my TP at 2nd attempt.. sian.. still need to go Kallang learn car.. this is damn demoralizing.. 2nd.. my new year this year jus bored bored and bored.. and my hongbao kinda pathetic u see.. well.. my days.. ok lo.. my tears always frequent my eyes.. and pain always frequent my heart..

there are times when i jus want to lie there and think of nothing and care about nothing.. just hoping i could always feel at peace, calm and happy but things just seems so hard.. i do hold on things hard.. but i don't believe in leaving everything to fate.. its like leaving my life for my parents to decide for me.. i want a life of my own.. and i want a man to appreciate me and not take me for granted.. i don't come and go as u please..

i realise something.. after so long.. and its been long since i ever believe in fairytales again.. fairytales are indeed beautiful but reality is still reality.. a marriage is not only about love but also about hw u want to live your life.. a luxury, simple or poverty life, with a man who take u for granted, or treasure u.. or a marriage where two love and treasure each other.. or simply a marriage where the man love the woman more...

i want my marriage to be a marriage where both party treasure each other.. no anger words at the moment of anger, no hurting words.. just purely love, respect and understanding with little bickers... It could be a marriage of poverty or a simple life.. as long as both is happy.. i don't think it matters so much.

i hope i am getting stronger and stronger day by day.. time to plan for my future.. graduating soon.. hope my FYP will do well.. and buddies and friends.. can u all arrange a Kbox session.. or my voice is going rusty.. hurry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!