MY HEART... fading away

firstly, today's is ling's 21st birthday.

HaPPy Birthday to u Darling..

this two days was real busy juggling btw my work and preparing for ling's birthday..

was exhausted..

i knew my body couldn't take much anymore to add with my monthly thingy.

I cry hard last night.. too hard that my body feel so shit now..

I fear one day I will succumb to the evil inside me..

after so long, I'm always trying to be nice.. but pple always take it for granted.. no matter its the one I love.. or not.. i am having evil tots.. so pardon me for not believing in good anymore.

everytime it happens.. what he say remains.. as a deep cut, now in this heart.. with so mny cut and slashes. I didn't know how I should face this person who could change like a chameleon.. I no longer believe and I fear.. i felt cheated, used & lastly broken.

like a pathetic soul, so unwanted and lost.. I know I am losing out & I just can't take it anymore.

I shouldn't have call.. and I shouldn't have succumb to my heart anymore.

he a man who bear no memories in what we share.

a relationship worth no more than a mere remark.

God, tell me how should I hang on or how do I love him.

The Birthday..

realli tired..

but the birthday party finally over. my hand got cut and my jeans kanna chilli sauce... i shout till my voice wanna break le.... all thanks to ADAM

tml working in Digiland.. mm.. my first day picking up calls. shall revise over what I learnt tml morning.. all my notes.

my shoulder pain coming back again.. maybe too tired le..

bye bye..

waves..

many things is happening again.. and jus thinking of what he said.. i cringe.. the fear and the ache.. though i wanted very much to be stronger.. but i jus can't sometimes.. i hope this is normal.

my work.. more and more piling up on me.. make some calls this two days.. and seriously, I don't like the headphone given to me... something is puzzling me but i see what happen first.. sometimes its ok to be more ignorant.. I am kinda upset that the malay girl is coming back. somehow spoil things.. hopefully tml i can make it thru lunch.

my driving today sux.. was too tired to drive and can't concentrate.. simply exhausted.. throughout the whole lesson, my instructor was scolding me.. saying what.. i nv had to say u till lidat blah blah blah.. i also dun wan but i simply too tired..

can someone save me.

first day of work with Digiland

today being the first day of work was tiring and stress. I have to remember the products that the company service and which line service which products. Definitely very different from what I do in LEC. Well, but I promise to take it up as a challenge and experience. My new colleage today named, Jaime Lim Siew Zhen. Same christian and sir name and the HR manager got a hard time repeating our name again and again to all the colleagues in office which amount to about 30 or 40. Well, then we got our desk and file etc. The stationaries was kinda pathetic and I had to remember a lot of things. Thoough my computer knowledge did help but still a far bit off.

then , had lunch with my colleague and cotinue the day with filing of so many invoices, end the day at 6pm. After which I went to LEC, to let Christine take a look at my plan for the birthday party and she say tat my planning was good. Rather happy coz i did put in some effort. Boon Siang gave everyone a box of Lao Po Bing from Hong Kong... thanks alot.. Violet act cute so much and say that we should all boycott boonsiang for nt helping out on 23rd.. so farnie.. then, came home with a burger king meal. Starving so much and so tired.. came into my room for Da Chang Jing right after my bath and fall aslp watching the show.. u can imagine how tired I am sleeping at eight plus. Then, MY STUPID DAD COME IN AND DISTURB ME AWAKE. Thanks ah.. Got to read all those stuff tml morning again before I go to work to refresh my mind.

my colleague seems good but i don't feel that i could trust her. weird ah.. am i thinking too much.. but office politics is always there.

night people.

dead feelinz

I no longer noe how to trust this person who always let his anger govern him. How do I trust him when the next min when he get angry, I don't know what will come out from him that will hurt me. Always like hundreds and thousands of arrow that pierce thru my heart. I stay for the only reason love but I know I can't survive all this wound with jus love. I told myself to let it go but my heart govern me and I told myself never to shed another tear for him but I did. I was too hurt to not let my tear drop so I could feel better.

I shouted at the pone and yet u refuse to answer me and after awhile. You only say.. im dumb cannot ah.

The pain is killing me.. slowly and painfully. God, what did I do to deserve this.

I don't deserve all that I get and I hate it. I dread everything.

entertaining tots~

I was happy to log in to my friendster knowing that my darling left a testimonial for me but at the moment I saw the testimonial. My heart just simply sank. It was totally to entertain me who want nuttin but a testi from my bf after the previous one was deleted. am i asking for too much?

i deleted the testi. Too angry and upset by what he did. Always entertaining me. I'm not one who can be entertained easily and I hate people entertaining me. I am one who is value tots of someone who do things for me a lot. I simply don't find the "tot" when I read the testi. The whole testi was shorter than the msg he wrote for J, the testimonial he wrote his sec sch lady fren. Simply disappointed. After all the dragging and excuse, what i got is disappointment.

Anyway, i got the job from Digiland. Hopefully, it will help me in future. Its got a bright future. Going to be quite busy, working on weekdays, weekends and then at the same time trying to take my car license. I shall plan my time well and shall give the best shot in the 23rd april birthday party and show them what I am capable of.

ARGHZ.. I feel so damn ANGRY.. *AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

seconds,,,

all i could feel was a sharp pain in my heart.

a pain that is beyond words.

i wonder how could promises of love turn into something so ugly.

Infront of this person I love, I make no effort to hide what I think or feel all because I felt that I shouldn't do so if I love him and I simply felt that humans are so scary when they play mind games. I am niave but i still wan to think this way.

my heart feel the pain.

nuttin can fill the wounds easily.. nuttin..

Only his care and concern and sweetness mean something now.

first day of work~

today is Ling's first day of work. Me jus woke up at ard noon and came in here blogging.. actually I am jus bored and don't want myself to bother my Darling.. but actually he kinda stupid to not ask me to work... though at woodland.. for one day is quite ok.. at least got the money den good right.. and my poor darling got to work with a M1 girl on the first day of work. He so sian diao. I'm glad that he got a job. At least, he won't be rotting at home all day.

later i got to go back to my job of being a nanny. Well u noe.. haha..

mm.. life have been the same same.. and i simply felt that its become a habit of Ling being in my life and me in his life.. quarrels always patch by nicely in the end cozz we know each other too well.. and I am very bad-tempered these days. The Birthday Party is drawing nearer and nearer day by day.. and also my TP. Must jiayou and do more homework.

always so...

i am someone with so much bad points that one could just can't stand being with me.

i wonder when two person are together.. they respect each other in the sense that what they like to do and what they want to do.. or do they just do according to what the other is thinking coz of respect and understanding. Sometimes I realli dun understand.

i felt like someone who dunno what i want and who i am. its realli sad..

i love to sing but everytime i sing infront of my bf.. he ask me to keep quiet..

i feel sick.. and i realli feel like going coz i need the money..

mm...

wondering why my posts just don't come out. I wonder its my fault or whose fault.

something happen that make me realli unhappy today. Upset.. i guess i am realli tired of it.

I miss that V3...

had dinner with dad, mum and bro and as usual went to look look see see again. then i went to buy youtiao and soya milk and u noe at Geylang areas.. guys always look at u like u are drumsticks.. stupid.

came home.. eat alot.. then watch Da Chang Jing..

had a bad flu yst but after the superb medicine.. was alright le.. going to start my driving lesson again.. sian.. shall jia you..